a devilish moment

I feel so bad today... was discussing over skype with my china colleague abt her side's email deficiency. Really pisses me off when she said that her email is unstable and that some mails she can receive and some canot. Well, she gives me the impression that since this happens, we jus have to accept it. omg... didnt she think of solving the problem rather than live with it? The more i thought abt it the more farc i became. The more farc i became, the more i raised my voice against her. After that, i regretted and realised that i might have been too harsh to her. My temper has been bad and it got worse recently. I will flare n show the whole world owe me 5 million face easily. Perhaps thats why they say: a bad person is not as scary as a good person who turned bad becos they can be much much worse when they thread over to the dark side.

I guess not only to her, i have been a farc to someone i love as well. It must have been real bad and heart breaking to hear what i said back then when i was angry and after all that happened, i can only say im sorry, truly sorry. I will learn to keep my emotions in check becos i know i can really say devastating things which i dun mean it when im angry. Its not an excuse to say bad stuff and claim that its becos im angry when the hurt has already been done.

If i can just turn back time once to rectify something, I will not turn back the time i felt embaressed when i fell into a mud pool in front of my class mates. I will not turn back the time deteriorating my health when i picked up smoking. I will not turn back the time i felt humiliated when i was the butt of jokes in poly days for my bizarre dressing. I will not turn back the time when i felt like an inconsiderate sibling when i went home smelling like a brewery and slept in the same room with my bro. I will turn back the time when i felt like i was the most foolish jerk in the world to say those hurtful things to someone.

Sorry by 苏永康

sorry... i am really sorry.
我又一次把你气哭在陌生街头
爱你...我当然爱你
自从第一眼到现在什至没人敢预测的将来
请你相信不是我不愿意改变我自已
而是一再努力又一再放弃那个软弱的自已
其实我恨透了我自已没有认输的勇气
让你受尽了不安和委屈
你是我这一生这一生最最最害怕去伤害到的人
也是我这一生这一生唯一能让我安定下来的人
虽然我并没有并没有并没有一身温纯的灵魂
但是我很愿意很愿意做那个永远照顾你的人
我的爱人请听我有颗不善言语的心
只能够看着你远处的背影

<3 warming moment

Let me start with last night.. its been a while since i went singing. Believe me...it certainly helps to go n shout your lungs out to forget abt unhappy stuff. For those who are conscious of your image fret not, a certain liquid there called Tiger helps. Though the beer sux, i cant argue becos for 60sgd, i get to sing, drink and also get a sore throat; worth it. You dun get many chances for 3 men to sing BackStreetBoys I Want It That Way without anyone rolling their eyes also lols. Kelvin acted he got the groove to the beat during the song, Vun sang a song while his body 'drifted' and I sang with my mouth full of pears. A pity they dun have 'Beautiful Girls'... it would have been the ultimate clownish moment! I nearly got asthma when i sang 西界. Bro Kel, its a simple song lehhh; 1st time sing ok ... duno y second time wil be so breathless. Maybe the mic battery finishing or perhaps its my self-assurance and denial at its fullest. Funny JJ Lin can be making waves in china with his songs while his fellow singaporean is working in sg and spending money to sing his song in a room. Doesnt help my yearning for oxygen case when we try Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. Yea yea digging our graves i agree......ohhh did i mention we wack Aerosmith as well? haha

I attended my cousin's solemnisation at a hotel today. Furama riverfront or harbour front..i dun really care but when i see how Andy, my cousin's husband n my cousin(E-Ping aka Mrs Teo now) exchange their vows, i cant help but feel happy for them. They have come a long way really and its rather touching and heart warming to see the scene and make u know that in life, its probably one of the moments when u feel the happiest and where the promise to journey the rest of life with your other half will set ur mind racing with excitement. Feel happy for my aunt too when this day finally came for her. She had been having a bad time with her son's near fatal motorbike accident some time back and im just glad that all is well now. I though, had a rather embarrassing time there. One of my cousin's fren(Jasmin i tink) commented that i looked like 品冠 -.-" Maybe its my specs or maybe its her contact lenses(if any) but farc I condemn that guy...i guess he feels the same abt me too if he is reading this. Then, my aunt wanted to intro me to her and pulled me to one side. Damm malu... this type of thing still happens in an era like this!??!?! But im grateful becos i know she jus have my interests at heart la. Then as we are going home, duno how my family got started in a conversation with my cousin's group of frens and the ghost of 品冠 lookalike resurfaces. Thats when my other auntie started advertising me:say what i worked as, say what my character is like etc etc to all of them and they joined in n point to Jasmin n say, ya ya intro him to her. At that moment, i had a strong affiliation with the little boys playing under the table..i feel like joining them and im sure Jasmin dont mind as well. Kinda sorry to have drag her into this(she must have felt even more embaressed) and with due respect, im not saying she is not fit to be my fren but its kinda unnatural to know someone via this way. I wonder how ppl really feel when they kena match make last time. Went town myself after that to fix my watch at Heeren and Pacific Plaza(yes Bryan.. after 300 years i finally managed to make my specs n mend my watch) Had dinner with him at my uncle's hokkien mee stall. Geylang lor 27 or 29, i always cant remember, jus know its inside a coffee shop which is beside a mosque. Go try it if u have the time but the stall is closed every alternate wednesday.

Bon Jovi stil rox.. i really hope to attend his concert at least once this lifetime.

All About Loving You

Looking at the pages of my life
Faded, memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes

Chorus
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way

*Chorus

You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you

*Chorus

All about lovin' you

RaP BaR @ boat quay

Just got back from Rap Bar @ boat quay. Quite a dead place actually and its not even as yeah compared to EC... if u guys know wad i meant. Anyway... had a rehearsal on 重来 in front of a live audience n i didnt get any rotten tomatoes.. so i reckon ill be fine tomolo. You dun really care much abt how u sing anyway when ur brain is flooded with Carlsberg. Natasha be warned.... my engine is revving up.. we will see who ends up in the netherland when we hit our glasses :) Hmm...One of my fren actually fell there! Must have hurt real bad from the bleeding.. lets hope she recovers and get back into our suan-ing session fast.

I had a chat with Sam today... tks for the words, they sound harsh but they are reality and it gave me the perspective that i might have been missing in this pursue but dun wory, i know wad im doing and ill stick to that fruiful or futile.. ill be fine. Thats all for tonight.. btw.. Bryan Chin aka sexy back.. u mus be happy i ended here eh

715, 730, 745, 800, 815 = late

Yea.. thats how i woke up this morning -.- , had a bad dream last night and damm it was so real and hurting. I woke up with a foul mood and it got even worse when i board a train carriage with dripping air con water. I tot that boarding a 855am train will be less crowded but it seems many are slackers like me who bother little. I cant even read my book!!!

Jus got a text which made my day much better though :> Im just glad all is well and good although i myself is going thru a very 'popular' time at work. Everybody wants brandon.. a piece of me that is. 'Bran is this done?', 'Bran can u do that for me?', 'Bran you shud do this', 'Bran pls do that.' Cant blame them.. im supposed to do it anyway but they all jus came together. Prioritizing them doesnt help becos everybody says its urgent. Im sharpening my blades.. going to china soon to settle my disputes in accounts with the chinese. If drinking harmoniously with them fails, the knives will be out....

有多少爱能重来,多少人愿意等待,失去之后才明白... come friday, i will be going ktv and sing this song with FEEL. Until then, ill listen to it at work till decomposition takes place at my ear drums.


重来

有多少爱能重来
多少人愿意等待
失去之后才明白
走进回忆的安排
一幕一幕的对白
上演我们的未来
期待
原来是一种伤害
心爱的人已离开
是我不该忽略你
给我的爱

现在我只想回到
最初的时候
不愿再让你泪流
心疼时候只有你会陪着我
现在我只想回到最初的时候
我知道你还爱着我
亲爱的请你握紧我的手
请你看看我
新的需要的你的我
一切从头/只要你回头

Sleepless@545

Cant sleep for two nights in the row now; managing less than 4 hours a day.In my term, this will result in AF ala Accumulated Fatigue; an ailment tat can get worse if its left untreated n .. accumulate. Perhaps its cos when the lights are off, the real me emerges within the the shadows, wondering how i passed my day under a happy skin, when internal turmoil beseige my temple of soul. More of the drama mama....a fren of mine is experiencing difficulties in her relationship, not the 1st time she is complaining to me over msn abt how she is loved and how she wants to be loved. As she complains to me, i realised i must have also made other complain about me. This might be the period where it is critical. Any advise that comes with a hidden motive will probably result in the problem being escalated to the point of no return. Im not saying that happens to my case... i duno anyway... but i somehow became a little more delicate when advising her. Ill just say; gal, u choose your own cup.. be it poison or honey, its your own choice.. of cos as ur fren.. if i know that cup contains poison, ill stop u but who will know the future?I aint no prophet... The past doesnt matter, the present is impt but its the future that counts.

Anyway, I chanced upon this while surfing for Diablo pics. A fascinating poem/riddle which always capitvates me with the clever use of words to create a 'dark' feel. Missed those days of hardcore demon slaying thru the night and looking more zombiefied than the actual zombies in the game... all while in Keat Hong Camp; holiday chalet for NSFs converting to civilians.

The Halls of the Blind

I can see what you see not
Vision milky then eyes rot.
When you turn they will be gone,
Whispering their hidden song.
Then you see what can not be,
Shadows move where light should be.
Out of darkness out of mind,
Cast down into the Halls of the Blind.

Hows ur throat hows ur throat hows ur throat hows ur throat.......

As expected, 1st day back to work i was swarmed by so much tasks i would have been forgiven if i tot i was working in Special Task Force. The old me will blackened my face n murmur some vulgarities when doing the job. I still had vulgarities in my mind but i learnt to take it easy already. Work is nvr ending n the day ur work is finished means u can pack your stuff and get escorted out by the security guard. Anyway.. i got asked by almost all my colleagues abt my throat. Kinda touched when i learnt they do care abt me but when u get asked the same qn close to 20 times in a space of 20 mins.. maybe u wish u can have a controller like the movie 'Click'(nice movie anyway) and mute them. Sounds evil when they have my interests at heart.. yea i might go to hell but i know i wont be lonely becos ill see most of my frens there...

How many times have we wished that we can 'fast forward' the times when we are going thru a difficult time or 'rewind' when we feel regretful of something tat has happened or better still 'replay' the moments when we feel the happiest. Pls dun let any japanese see this.. they wll then start to invent some stuff like that(like they invented some useless meaningless robots to do say.. housework for them or some robotic pet dogs) No offence to the scientists but i feel someting is very wrong when you are spending money to do these research while some people are dying in some parts of the world becos they have no food. I understand the need for humans to improve but it often seems that while we become more n more advanced... we lose more n more of our 'primitive' self which is compassion. Do visit freerice.com and have a go at the advertisers.. make them bankrupt. Anyway, thank you Sam for telling me that website, i have been playing periodically after lunch till knocking off.


Wait For You by Elliott Yamin

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then I can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

I'll Be Waiting.

The return of the unfit

I used to think Sundays must be the sunny sunny, birds singing on tress type of happy day. As such, i get real depressed when it rains on Sunday. Luckily it didnt rain and thus, i am able to carry out my plan to jog! I had actually decided to go jogging during my 2 weeks of mc. Its kinda surprising that when i was on my way to the reservoir park, i got a tap on my shoulder. I turn n saw my fren Jasper.. with his trademark cheeky try to act serious smile. Such coincidence but it also made me carrying my ipod along for the run redundant.

Anyway...kinda crowded at the park! i realised actually singaporeans quite health conscious.. only majority of my frens (less jasper i suppose) and myself are the unhealthy ones who indulge in liquids mortals named as spirits; which will hasten the process of us becoming immortals. We started running from the start point and within minutes we reached the end point, covering a distance of 1.2km.The old me would have been going for another round(anyway 1.2km is really short la) but the current me is so breathless that i told Jasper to continue without me.. Yea its a stigma.... i was even wearing my OCS singlet which rub salt into the little pride i have left when i see ppl run past me.. next time...i will run when its dark la...Cannot admit old liao or rather.. not as fit as before. I must train harder and get GOLD for my IPPT before my window closes next year. My bro Kel tot its was a joke when i said that last year (well.. it really turned out to be a joke..for the record i went RT) but this time, i will make sure i stick to a schedule. Im a believer that when you are fit, u tend to tire less and will be more alert. Trust me,im FIT before,i know.

Avril Lavigne(wad a rock chick) has a nice song which i came across while trying to learn to upload songs to this squeaky clean blog of mine. Nvm, dun tink i will include the song here.. it slows down loading time anyway...


When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

Okok im not wallowing in self pity here so dun give me the 'Again!!!'

X files @ bedok

There is no insurance agent to wake me up today, no calls from office to wake me up but an optician woke me up today.. u know who u r la hor.. carry on like this n we will downgrade even furthur from best frens to frens, then to acquaintance la. Finally.. my short 'holiday' of 2 weeks has come to an end.. come monday its back to the squeeze in the mrt and the work... Yes, im depressed now and maybe submerging myself in work is a way of distraction but there are a lot of ways to distract oneself and i feel that using work as a method of distraction is kinda dumb or in this sense 'dun'.

I met up with Shawn, Bryan and his frens to go Arena today to finish our 'stock' there. Had japanese food again but this time.. with sake. First time drinking sake n i proceeded with no caution.. throat burn -.-

Anyway, hit on Arena for the 2nd time but didnt really stayed there long becos of the ambience i guessed.. too loud, cant really chill and chat in normal decibels. We just finished our drinks and 'sua-ed' to Zouk. Its been ages since i last went and yes, the crowd is hippier and more happening but i feel like a dinosaur there. Cant blend in there at all as i stand by one side while the rest of the guys enjoyed themselves at the dance floor. Shawn n Bryan were with me though but its not really a place to chill n chat as its too noisy and we couldnt get a decent table at all. Discos...not my cup of tea liao.

Last stop was 'ec' aka east coast Home ktv... a place where on good nights, u have to wait 2 hours to sing 2 songs(sucker) but its cosy there n the volume is just abt right. Linked up with Kel, Rudolph and Eric there(3 guys i have known for more than 10 years..) Apparently, i wasnt prepared to drink any more as i had more than enuff at Arena. Not sure how much Eric did drank but he seems happy tonight. While its not rare to see him down his drink glass after glass, it can be considered a blessing that he is still sober after all that becos he can be quite 'spectacular' sometimes when he is drunk. Actually boat quay was the last stop for them but i chose to go home wirth Rudolph... old liao.. body canot obey what the head wanted and thats where i came upon a 'x file' sighting.

I took my clothes n towel and stepped into my bathroom to shower. Hey presto... i saw three pieces of shit near the cubicle!!! Not human type but looks like droppings of either a cat or dog.No..its not funny..i was like hey wtf sia.. i dun need that at 3 plus am but now that i tink back...its kinda comical lols. I dun keep any pets and there werent any stray cats that came uninvited into the house, as such i am puzzled why the 3 pieces of shit are there. Im still thinking abt how it landed there as im typing now but no rationale answers come into the toxicated mind of mine and thats when i decided to hit the sheets. For those who are interested abt the plight of the 3 pieces of droppings, fret not, i wasnt that drunk or hungry and it has been suitably dealt with by a water hose.

There is this song from this guy of FIR called 阿沁. It kinda really says what my heart wants to bring across. Yes, im dwelling abt it again but ill be lying if i say that im fine already. Its feelings we are talking abt here, not someting which can be forgotten becos u chose to... as it really did happen. Anyway, been trying to put the song up on blog but stil in the process of learning and so, dun be a pisser and complain abt poor service, at least i provide the lyrics.

其实还爱你

我讨厌阴天的风
冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

The lyrics 每一夜闭上眼睛 我看到了恶梦 你微笑但是旁边的人不是我 is really happening to me almost everynight, how apt. Maybe the song writer experiences the same torment im going thru right now when hes writing this song.

Thursday

Thursdays used to be my favorite day of the week, becos after thursday means friday which means weekend is coming.Dun ask me why i dun like fridays instead, maybe becos thursday comes earlier than friday.yea, im lost myself... anyway, today kinda eventful;met eric for lunch plus a movie session at Tampines watching 'Brothers' by Andy Lau. Sad to say, the movie trailers for the other movies seems much better than the show which is kinda draggy. Aliens v Predators II, some olden times fighting show by Andy Lau, Takeshi Kaneshiro and Jet Li and another called Anna & Anna (lame title..) makes me look forward to the movie industry! The show is rather predictable so i dun wan to go in any furthur.

Met up with Jodie, Ah Pang and Sam (in order) for dinner at Cuppage. For the 1st time, didnt drink when i went Cuppage haha.. kinda missed those days but anyway...we had some japanese food which is ok la but the dinner itself is a very enjoyable process. We went to 'push up the number of ppl visiting Robinsons' after that before settling down at StarBucks for some chit chatting.

Thruout the whole session, it brought me back to the past when i was going out with these group of frens. Those were the times where you only worry whether the photocopy shop is open so that u can 'zap' the tutorial answers to bring to class, or u are in a dilemma whether shud u go home when u have a 4 hr break in between. Compare to the worries now n you know that maybe the period where u can be the most irresponsible scum/biatch has passed. We talked abt new jokes(SIA ones... i like the one abt the beef medium, tks Sam lols) and OF COS old ones that we nvr seem to get tired abt... Indeed, come to think of it, i duno how i would have passed thru my poly days without these interesting n most of the time.. wacky frens of mine...i admit.. i trash talk a lot n i usually win when i talked to my frens but this particularly group of frens from poly made me speechless when i pit myself against them..they can be called the grandmasters in this cocktalking business.I learnt some new words which i nvr dreamt of their existence n in some instance...which dialect group they belong to.
i hope i remembered and explained them correctly....

Ngaooo-used to describe depress mode, sadness n maybe even grumpiness
eg i understand ur plight but can u pls dun be so ngaooo or not/u ngaooo-ed yesterday, pls stop ngaoooing today.

Leh Leh or Leh-used to describe a flirtation between living things be it male or female, can also be used to call someone(i tink...)
eg Dont leh her so obviously in front of him/she is her leh leh actually

Dun-used to describe a stupidity/dumb act or person
eg dun be dun (sounds funny... o.O)/he is such a dun...

Yea, it was fun hanging out with them and just felt bad that i have met up with them less these few years but im glad that they are all well and have not changed much. Libras hate changes.. my ex colleague told me that n i totally agree with her.. well maybe all hate changes but we Libras hate it more. Jodie is still mei yo li mao, Ah Pang still takes bus home even though she is SIA, Sam is still crazy/funny and im still awake at 346am -.-" dun think i am going runnning tomolo again...

I have been 'mending' my ipod since i accidently deleted a whole chunk of songs the other day and came across this song by Eason which i am impressed by the way the lyrics were thought of. Kudos to the song writer..

明年今日

若這一束吊燈傾瀉下來 或者我 已不會存在
即使你不愛 亦不需要分開
若這一刻我竟嚴重癡呆 跟本不需要被愛
永遠在床上發夢 餘生都不會再悲哀
人總需要勇敢生存 我還是重新許願
例如學會 承受失戀
明年今日 別要再失眠 床褥都改變 如果有幸會面
或在同伴新婚的盛宴 惶惑地等待你出現
明年今日 未見你一年 誰捨得改變 離開你六十年
但願能認得出你的子女 臨別亦聽得到你講再見
在有生的瞬間能遇到你 竟花光所有運氣
到這日才發現 曾呼吸過空氣

ok i admit.. i duno how to make the song play in the background, so...find the song online urself. I especially like these phrases '人總需要勇敢生存 我還是重新許願
例如學會 承受失戀' and '在有生的瞬間能遇到你 竟花光所有運氣
到這日才發現 曾呼吸過空氣' ...damn nice....

At the threshold of an era

Ok, i admit.. its an old drama..it seems like wasting valuable time.. but like what one of my fren said.. u can learn someting from anyting.. even from reading comics u learn something. i too, learnt someting from the drama even though i only watched 9 episodes so far..I too am amused by how the main character always gets away from his debtors. When they chase him for money.. he jus say 'only got 1 life, u wan u take... if not when i make it.. i will repay u all plus interest' That i know.. u cannot learn.. becos if u do that in Sg, u will jus be declared bankrupt or kenna send to Woodbridge. What striked me.. is this sentence:' i dun care abt the process..i care abt the results, tats wat matters' This comes from the main character who eventually becomes a very successful businessman(i tink so.. i duno becos i haven finish the drama)

My point is...i reckon there r two schools of thought here. 1st school will agree and say.. yes.. ultimately.. we want results, tats wat matters. Results determines whether u make it in life or not, not how hard u tired or how much effort u put in. 2nd school talks abt the process, the no care abt results but the process of doing the things type. This school focuses on the spiritual well being, improvement of the soul type. I reckon believers of this school of thought usually do not have much money in their banks. My thought only.

Not saying any school is right or wrong.....Businessmen will mostly choose school A while the monks(duno y i said monks.. they jus come into my mind lols) will choose school B. Me? Its school A. Im not lying to anyone or myself but at this age....money talks.. period. I used to believe the no money still can be happy type of theory but u realy tink the beggar by the street is happy sleeping under ur void deck? True there might be happy beggars as well as unhappy rich ppl. but give this choice to everyone: u wan be unhappy beggar or unhappy rich person.. the choice will be obvious.. dun be a troublemaker n tell me.. both are unhappy.. so it doesnt matter

Two kicks in the teeth

I got woken up by a call from an insurance agent today... she got my number during some road show and has been trying to get me to buy some financial products from her but Im actually 'full' at the moment n rejected her. But a thought came to me.. if she didnt call me (which is already 11), wat time will i sleep until? do i really like to sleep so much? Sleeping is one thing tat has robbed me of my loved one in a way.... when she told me that she is afraid to wake me up...i didnt know in her heart.. i actually made her feel afraid to wake me up.. i mus have been a real hard person to get along and how 'wei qu' she must have been!y am i still not learning the lesson?!

Back in May, Jun.. i was actually thinking to myself... my life is actually stagnating.... i nid maybe a kick in the teeth to really be awaken, to kickstart it.. Ironies of irony... seems tat i got more than what i had bargained for.. instead of a kick.. i got two... one is of cos the fact that my gf left me. The other kick.. is wat i felt today when i meet up with my ex camp mates... I met Bryan, Patrick and Shawn for dinner n coffee. As we talked abt the ns times, we also talked abt our present lives n other frens around us. As our conversations grew... i realised slowly that.. hey.... im really lagging behind.... there are a lot of things which i duno, the things they talked abt; China market, opportunities, businesses.. in a nutshell... abt serious stuff.. abt careers and livelihood matters.. tats wad they talked abt and i could only listen in silence.. not becos i was not interested or that i was a frog in the well.. its just that my energy and time have been spent on other things...rather time wasting activities i would say. I was a frog out of the well but doing other stuff... How lag i was compared to them, to their thinking...They are discussing n worrying abt things which we shud worry abt at my age but these questions have nvr fly by my mind which is occupied with meaningless stuff...

I love to sleep.. dun ask me why... it has been a real bad habit which i have been trying to kick.. i can sleep and wake up at 6pm on saturdays.. which means close to half of my weekend is almost gone.. dun ask me how i did it but it happens... i can also decide to take a cab to work jus so i can catch that extra 10 mins of sleep...atrocious... i will strive to stop this nonsense.

Second, I love playing games.Computer games that is... dota, online games like KO, RO... etc etc all i play..even as i am writing this blog now.. im 'alt tabbing' to play dota @.@... funny im lamenting it and still doing it...Yes.. im one of those better in these than my frens.... but i also realised... SO WHAT is u r good in dota? SO WHAT if u have a high lvl character in an online game? SO WHAT if u score more goals than ur fren in Xbox Fifa in a friendly match? Thats reel life and it doesnt help in my real life.. tis instance... maybe my peers are reading business times.. my peers are maybe checking internet for stocks n shares or just doing more productive things.... im playing dota... -.-" Right.. this will be another thing i want to change. I will play but it will not be the essential part of my life.

I hope u do not have to get kicked in the teeth like me to wake up.. it hurts.. really hurts a lot

Losing ur pillar of strength

Monday.. when most of us starts the week working.. im stil recuperating at home. Had a short talk with my ex-girlfriend.. actualy not short talk.. its only me talking, she doesnt want to talk or hear abt anything regarding our past relationship...you can say all you want, abt letting go, moving on etc etc. I do understand my family's and friends' point of view. 'Brace urself! There are many other girls!'; I often hear these.. while i appreciate they are all trying to make me feel beter.. i realised maybe they do not really know me. Or maybe they do.. but its just that I have to move on anyway when the other party has moved on and got involved in another relationship.. maybe yes, maybe no.. im still sceptical. But, i was nvr one to really let things go so easily.. especially relationships... Nonetheless...the talk with her speared my heart.. the feeling.. its really where u feel ur heart is soo soo weak upon hearing something bad. I realised then.. maybe that is how the world works... u make ppl suffer.. ppl will make u suffer.. Today is the day i realised i really have lost my pillar of strength. I have lost it even earlier but then, i do not believe the reality till now. I keep telling myself.. if u are happier that u leave, ill be glad... but.. how many of us can acutally be that noble? I have not reached that stage yet try as i might. Deep within.. there is always this hope that she will turn back and all will be like good old times.. but its turning into just a fading dream of mine. Yes, the door is always open and waiting.. tats wat i say now. The tot of her with another guy stings my heart greatly... Selfish some of u might say, preventing her from moving on some others cried out... i know...but thats the love of my life.. do i just give it up so easily? without a fight? without any effort to try rekindle the hope she has lost? If you have lost someting u have valued and cherish greatly.. do u jus switch off and forget abt it? or wil u search high n low with all ur time n effort, hoping to find it back?

Yes, too late to say all these cherish n value stuff.... the breakup would not have happen if i have really really cherished n valued her. She was angry n disilusioned with what i said to her... but i was really really mad at that time and truly do not mean what i said..sadly.. this explaination was not enuff for her... She said the things i have did/say have turned her off and closed her heart.. but its all actually trying to create an atmosphere..little do i know it created such a backslash which caused our relationship to crumble. Im not washing my dirty linen here or embaressing her. I also dunno why im writing this.. its just tat i have so much in my mind... to talk abt, to also tell her.. but i do not have any chance to do it face to face...it greatly saddens me becos she no longer even gives me a chance to salvage the relationship..

Time they say.. wil heal all wounds... i do believe that but the thing is... how long will i take to recover from this near fatal blow? With my mind still having tots of an open door and waiting for her to turn back n return to my arms, the day to recovery via the 'time medicine' is still far

'Doing something for the 1st time'

Yes, the title says it all......been wanting to create a blog for ages but always procrastinate. Ironic that its actualy when Im on hospital leave that I can use the time to finally do something new. Just removed my tonsils at CGH and had my 1st hospital stay since 1980. Yes, Im thankful for the good health I have enjoyed these 27 years so far. Its definately one less thing to worry about but if you are not as lucky as me.. fret not.. a good life is not determined by how many years you lived but rather how u make of it and the impact u made of the people ard u.

Today is my 'chinese' bday or they call it lunar bday. I wonder.. with the new generation.. will they ever know abt the existence of that? I myself also duno when is my lunar bday till now. The traditions, dialects that were each a unique flavor by itself are gradually lost in the modern time. We might have slowly developed a 'its useless, chuck it aside' attitude. Remember 'chinese'? It was not taken seriously by us Chinese(becos we tink its useless?) until the rise of China. Now, everyone is taking the chinese language more seriously(becos we tink its useful)
Anyway, thats just a view. The main point is still the 'doing someting for the 1st time'

I gathered we r no diff from a program if all we did is work/do someting we r familar/sleep. I dare say most of us fall into this bracket. For me, its when u hit the comfort level that u find that its comfortable and do not want to attempt to change anyting. Yes it might seem correct to have the 'aint no broken, do not fix it' thinking. Afterall, u do not call for the plumber until ur toilet bowl is flooded right? However, u do renovate ur hse sometimes and maybe in the process.. upgrade to a nicer looking toilet bowl.

That is the point. U upgrade, u do new things, u do not stagnate. I have been stagnating.. work/drink/sleep or work/study/sleep or work/dota/sleep. Its mostly one of these 3 combi and thats where brought me to where I am now. This shall kickstart my stuttering engine and be the 'doing someting for the 1st time' thingy.... btw...when's the last time u did something thats new to you?