Saturday, July 26, 2008

we have all been scarred one way or another

how many of us had jus one right relationship and got married? Of those who get married, how many get to live happily ever after?some of us are so haunted by one previous heartache tat we lose the faith in love maybe.some let hatred took over.i read a guy's blog who got ditched n hes now exacting revenge by sleeping ard with as many gals as he can now.

the thing is, isnt love supposed to conquer all?but as love seem to be the thing tat conquers all, it also can pierce ur heart n leave irreversible scars. the scars can only heal when,you open up and let love heal u.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

wave after wave

Its been close to a year where i experienced emotional heartache. i was really wasting my life back then with nights of drinking, going to work late and the mind a blank all day long. and when i started to wake up from this terrible depression, my grandma left me. devastating blow after blow followed.surprisingly, i kinda got over gran's death in a couple of days...i duno if its becos subconsciously i have been preparing myself for it or i tot it was in her best interests of her to leave the physical suffering behind. i do still tink of her, hoping that she comes to my dream n we can relive the grandma-grandson relationship but it doesnt really always happen the way u wan it to be.i wonder if dreams are for sale. if so, whats the price u will be willing to pay for one sweet dream? as i put the death of granny away, it does seem life returned to normal. jus finally i tot....the clouds r clearing n i do see the sunshine after the rain. the oasis appearing after the dreaded journey in the desert.i found a reason to look forward to life each day suddenly.a reason to smile even after a hard days work.a reason to care n love but... as i tot i was drawing closer n closer to the oasis, it might turn out to be a mirage afterall.whats going to happen then? i wouldnt know.i duno its an oasis or mirage at this moment n i can only keep walking n walking towards it, hoping i do get the ending i wan for this episode. fucking emo again? no, it might be jus another wave.i really hope hope not.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Fight Club. Whos in?

i just caught fight club. nvr felt so estranged in my life until now. i liked the initial part of the movie. witty dark humour and a self alighment i had with the character. what are all of us to begin with? as the movie grew, so does the inner side of grew darker, deeper, n lower; close to rock bottom. yea, when u lose everyting, thats when u can do anything. i duno why i am having such dark thoughts on a seemingly nice saturday afternoon. i feel released suddenly, wanting to do anyting tat comes to my mind be it good, bad, angelic or devilish. then the consciousness kick in. We r human beings, tats why we can control n do things which we deemed fit n necessary. we aint some foul smelling beasts which does nothing but eat sleep n reproduce as they deem liked. but in the movie, its showing what a human being is capable of doing, with the thoughts of an enraged soul lying in a corner of our minds.except that he gets away with it cos its a movie while u dun get a second chance in tat why we r doing and what we r trying to do here? avoiding conflicts? avoiding fights? keeping the inner self in check while pursuing needless things?this movie is not for the ones on the fence; it will jus push u over the lawn of self decrepting wastes.u got to be responsible if u r tinking of watching this movie.u dun make omelettes without breaking a few eggs though... i broke mine

Thursday, June 26, 2008

i lost so much today

26th Jun'08. the day my grandad took away gran from me. i got a call from dad during work n i feared the worst when i picked it up. he rarely calls. i rushed to the hospital with my work on hand seemingly the least important. i reached, i saw. doctors were trying to resuscitate my gran. doctor in charge told my family n me abt gran's condition. she had only abt an hr left. It proved to be my longest hr in my life yet. i went in, i saw her with so so many things attached to her body. i teared. i hear how much she suffered during the day while i laughed n make merry during work with my colleagues. i hate myself. i teared. i held her hand which used to be so big when she took mine n off we went to the market. hand is larger but hers is colder. i cried. i nvr ever learn. jus when i started to take things for granted, fate gave me the cruelest blow. i reached home no mood for dinner no mood to shower i jus chain smoked staring at the dark sky. i suddenly see a vision of my grandad n gran's faces. they were smiling at each other, like 2 young lovebirds who met after a long while of separation.they smiled at me, and walked away.. towards the sunset along the beach back facing me. thats the only smile i had today

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

changing for the environment

had lunch with my new colleagues today. It became a regularity lunching out compared to the old times where ill faithfully ta bao to my office to eat. I always murmured to myself when i walked past these ppl having their meals outside: r they crazy?! lunching outside in this weather, n its hard to get a seat anyway. Now the mumbler became the mumbled.

A new workplace always has new rules, new sets of regulations to follow n when one has been so used to a regimental style, i feel uncomfortable working in the new workplace becos they give u so much freedom. So much that im worried im not doing enuff to earn my keep. Perhaps i have been well drilled doing enormous amts of work, working til unearthly hrs at times n going back to work on saturdays being a formality. When u have been doing from 20 vessels a month to jus 3 suddenly, u will realise that u have the time to fart.

Had dinner with melody and desiree today at carls' junior. 1st time eating there n ill say its not really that BIG as famed. The ladies said it had shrunk now. I realised.. i always jumped onto the band wagon when everyone has alighted.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

u r not alone my fren

18th of June 2008. A day in the calendar year. Some had it ordinary, some had it exhilarating, some had it bad and some had it good. Whatever it is, we r all the same. We r humans, bounded by the same fixed cycle of live, ageing and death. If u had a good day, remember it and let it live as long as u can in ur mind. If u had a bad one, always know that there is someone out there who had it worst than u.

Come 19th of Jun where time waits for no one, know tat as it passes by, so too does the pain decreases. Its already the 19th.

I jus posted this blog, something happened thereafter and im back to add in this bit.

I got scolded by my grumpy dad cos my hp message tone is too loud for him. He will never do it to his other beloved son, my brother. Talk abt having a bad start to the day...... farc

Sunday, June 15, 2008

a life movie tats unreal?

Caught the movie sex and the city with melody. I tot im smart becos i can usually predict whats going to happen in the movie but shes even better; beating me to it by predicting the happenings even faster than my overworked brain.

I can say tat its a good movie which i am able to relate myself to. However, as real life as i tot it is, the ending sort of disappoint me. You know.. the standard everyone gets what they wan n live happily ever after ending. I aint no pessimist but im sure in this world, not everyone gets the ending they wan out of someting. The thing i liked though, is tat i can see myself in most of the characters. Im not good with names(sexyback knows best...) so i shall jus call them by whatever i associate them with.

To start off, i know how sarah jessica parker felt when the lawyer fren didnt tell her someting which she ought to know. I have that experience too and believe you me, its not the nicest feeling to have. The sense of betrayal lingers even if the matter died down. Try as i might but the frenship is tainted. Pls understand. I forgived, but i cant forget.

The lawyer's husband...Steve if i didnt get it wrong. He made a single mistake in his relationship. He paid for it. Just once but its enuff. How many of us are allowed the redemption that we craved for after we made a critical mistake? I dont....but im fine, ill live with it. The only difference between us is that he is given a chance to rectify n make good. The reconciliation at the brookyln bridge made me realise the movie is heading towards the 'dreaded everyone will be happy' ending.

The woman who's with the actor...the one who likes to 'colour'. We r in the same boat cos while we both knew what we wanted, we cant get it and we do other things which we dun wan to do to distract ourselves. Im not saying i like to 'colour'; i dun sleep ard, i sleep at my home.

Mr Big. Comes across to me as the confident, everything is under his control man who ill like to emulate. That is...until he stood sarah up. Sadly thats what i can associate myself with of him at the moment. The times i didnt stand up for my loved ones or my frens linger in my mind. All has passed, i hope there will be none of that, i know there will be none of it.

It seems weird when my ending relates to the beginning of the movie, but all endings are the start of a new beginning i guess. Yes...i was the innocent, naive guy who came to the world looking for things like the young new-yorkers. Its thru life experiences tat shaped the me today. I didnt learn it the rosy way but im glad they happened. Im more prepared and sceptical in the future as a result. Sceptical might sound harsh...ill settle for ready instead. No, im not being emo again. I know im fine now, everyting has been laid to rest(im grateful for the taka encounter) and im looking forward to work tml. Righttttt.