i lost so much today

26th Jun'08. the day my grandad took away gran from me. i got a call from dad during work n i feared the worst when i picked it up. he rarely calls. i rushed to the hospital with my work on hand seemingly the least important. i reached, i saw. doctors were trying to resuscitate my gran. doctor in charge told my family n me abt gran's condition. she had only abt an hr left. It proved to be my longest hr in my life yet. i went in, i saw her with so so many things attached to her body. i teared. i hear how much she suffered during the day while i laughed n make merry during work with my colleagues. i hate myself. i teared. i held her hand which used to be so big when she took mine n off we went to the market. now....my hand is larger but hers is colder. i cried. i nvr ever learn. jus when i started to take things for granted, fate gave me the cruelest blow. i reached home no mood for dinner no mood to shower i jus chain smoked staring at the dark sky. i suddenly see a vision of my grandad n gran's faces. they were smiling at each other, like 2 young lovebirds who met after a long while of separation.they smiled at me, and walked away.. towards the sunset along the beach back facing me. thats the only smile i had today

changing for the environment

had lunch with my new colleagues today. It became a regularity lunching out compared to the old times where ill faithfully ta bao to my office to eat. I always murmured to myself when i walked past these ppl having their meals outside: r they crazy?! lunching outside in this weather, n its hard to get a seat anyway. Now the mumbler became the mumbled.

A new workplace always has new rules, new sets of regulations to follow n when one has been so used to a regimental style, i feel uncomfortable working in the new workplace becos they give u so much freedom. So much that im worried im not doing enuff to earn my keep. Perhaps i have been well drilled doing enormous amts of work, working til unearthly hrs at times n going back to work on saturdays being a formality. When u have been doing from 20 vessels a month to jus 3 suddenly, u will realise that u have the time to fart.

Had dinner with melody and desiree today at carls' junior. 1st time eating there n ill say its not really that BIG as famed. The ladies said it had shrunk now. I realised.. i always jumped onto the band wagon when everyone has alighted.

u r not alone my fren

18th of June 2008. A day in the calendar year. Some had it ordinary, some had it exhilarating, some had it bad and some had it good. Whatever it is, we r all the same. We r humans, bounded by the same fixed cycle of live, ageing and death. If u had a good day, remember it and let it live as long as u can in ur mind. If u had a bad one, always know that there is someone out there who had it worst than u.

Come 19th of Jun where time waits for no one, know tat as it passes by, so too does the pain decreases. Its already the 19th.

I jus posted this blog, something happened thereafter and im back to add in this bit.

I got scolded by my grumpy dad cos my hp message tone is too loud for him. He will never do it to his other beloved son, my brother. Talk abt having a bad start to the day...... farc

a life movie tats unreal?

Caught the movie sex and the city with melody. I tot im smart becos i can usually predict whats going to happen in the movie but shes even better; beating me to it by predicting the happenings even faster than my overworked brain.

I can say tat its a good movie which i am able to relate myself to. However, as real life as i tot it is, the ending sort of disappoint me. You know.. the standard everyone gets what they wan n live happily ever after ending. I aint no pessimist but im sure in this world, not everyone gets the ending they wan out of someting. The thing i liked though, is tat i can see myself in most of the characters. Im not good with names(sexyback knows best...) so i shall jus call them by whatever i associate them with.

To start off, i know how sarah jessica parker felt when the lawyer fren didnt tell her someting which she ought to know. I have that experience too and believe you me, its not the nicest feeling to have. The sense of betrayal lingers even if the matter died down. Try as i might but the frenship is tainted. Pls understand. I forgived, but i cant forget.

The lawyer's husband...Steve if i didnt get it wrong. He made a single mistake in his relationship. He paid for it. Just once but its enuff. How many of us are allowed the redemption that we craved for after we made a critical mistake? I dont....but im fine, ill live with it. The only difference between us is that he is given a chance to rectify n make good. The reconciliation at the brookyln bridge made me realise the movie is heading towards the 'dreaded everyone will be happy' ending.

The woman who's with the actor...the one who likes to 'colour'. We r in the same boat cos while we both knew what we wanted, we cant get it and we do other things which we dun wan to do to distract ourselves. Im not saying i like to 'colour'; i dun sleep ard, i sleep at my home.

Mr Big. Comes across to me as the confident, everything is under his control man who ill like to emulate. That is...until he stood sarah up. Sadly thats what i can associate myself with of him at the moment. The times i didnt stand up for my loved ones or my frens linger in my mind. All has passed, i hope there will be none of that, i know there will be none of it.

It seems weird when my ending relates to the beginning of the movie, but all endings are the start of a new beginning i guess. Yes...i was the innocent, naive guy who came to the world looking for things like the young new-yorkers. Its thru life experiences tat shaped the me today. I didnt learn it the rosy way but im glad they happened. Im more prepared and sceptical in the future as a result. Sceptical might sound harsh...ill settle for ready instead. No, im not being emo again. I know im fine now, everyting has been laid to rest(im grateful for the taka encounter) and im looking forward to work tml. Righttttt.

school of nididas vs school of justin keys

so many things on my mind, so many things to say but i duno where to start. i jus had a chat with jodie on the topic RELATIONSHIPS. i liken the way we established the two different schools of tot. Not one for the purists.....if a person who is already attached went as far as hugging/kissing/fucking with u while the feelings towards each other are mutual, which school do u enrol to?

School A: u know, he/she knows the feelings are mutual. A la nike/adidas: just do it, impossible is nothing.

School B: there is a chinese idiom (pardon me my sp mates...though its more than 4 words its still a cheng yuu. it goes someting like u cut ppls head, be prepared for ppl to cut ur head. A la justin timberlake/alicia keys:nid i mention the songs?

Not trying to start a mass debate here n there are so much more views on these 2 schools. It could be school B is for the pessimists etc etc, we shant go into that and also.....pls dun flame me. not that i cared anyway but im jus a human who cant be a nice guy, tries to be a bad man n fails as well.

we r all selfish by nature

I was tinking....when u see someone close to u suffer from an illness, what do u really wish for? If death is a point everyone mus go thru, how shud we view it then? When my grandad left me suddenly due to a heart attack, the departure was so sudden that i blamed practically everything n everyone. Why is the chance of saying good bye deprived from me?

Now i see my granma. I realised what might have been a better route. I feel sad when my grandad left me, but its worse when i see my granma suffering now. Of cos initially i was tinking; 'pls, let her live'. That in a way is a selfish me, hoping to cling on to dear gran for the fear of losing her in my life. Little did i know that she will have to as a result, suffer at my expense. The illness, slowly taking over her strong n healthy body n reducing it to utter frailness. I realised i dun need an emotional hold hands hug her farewell anymore, i jus hope shes at peace. Grant me this wish n u own my soul

i saw it

I was on my way to the hospital visiting gran, plugging to my ipod in random songs mode. Suddenly, a song came, one that reminds me of my past relationship. I hear the lyrics carefully, i sing along with it in my heart, n realised though the words are beautiful, i have not really did what i had meant in the song to my special ones in the past. I told myself this is it. The song is not being played by random, its meant to be a sign for me; to learn the lesson, move on n be a better man. It was furthur reinforced when sam's words came ringing in my mind almost instantaneously. 'We all make mistakes, learn from this episode and it will make u a better person in the future. You will know more abt what u shud n shud not do and be a better lover. Thats the whole value in what has happened' It took me until now to really understand n believe it. thank you my fren.

I guess it not only applies to failed relationships. It can be same for businesses, driving tests(for ah pang) or rather, in all aspects of life. Lets all stop biatching abt life n learn as we grow old. Thats the only valuable thing in ageing.