blitzzbless

we have all been scarred one way or another

2008-07-26T11:50:00.002+08:00

how many of us had jus one right relationship and got married? Of those who get married, how many get to live happily ever after?some of us are so haunted by one previous heartache tat we lose the faith in love maybe.some let hatred took over.i read a guy's blog who got ditched n hes now exacting revenge by sleeping ard with as many gals as he can now.

the thing is, isnt love supposed to conquer all?but as love seem to be the thing tat conquers all, it also can pierce ur heart n leave irreversible scars. the scars can only heal when,you open up and let love heal u.

wave after wave

2008-07-13T23:26:00.003+08:00

Its been close to a year where i experienced emotional heartache. i was really wasting my life back then with nights of drinking, going to work late and the mind a blank all day long. and when i started to wake up from this terrible depression, my grandma left me. devastating blow after blow followed.surprisingly, i kinda got over gran's death in a couple of days...i duno if its becos subconsciously i have been preparing myself for it or i tot it was in her best interests of her to leave the physical suffering behind. i do still tink of her, hoping that she comes to my dream n we can relive the grandma-grandson relationship but it doesnt really always happen the way u wan it to be.i wonder if dreams are for sale. if so, whats the price u will be willing to pay for one sweet dream? as i put the death of granny away, it does seem life returned to normal. jus finally i tot....the clouds r clearing n i do see the sunshine after the rain. the oasis appearing after the dreaded journey in the desert.i found a reason to look forward to life each day suddenly.a reason to smile even after a hard days work.a reason to care n love but... as i tot i was drawing closer n closer to the oasis, it might turn out to be a mirage afterall.whats going to happen then? i wouldnt know.i duno its an oasis or mirage at this moment n i can only keep walking n walking towards it, hoping i do get the ending i wan for this episode. fucking emo again? no, it might be jus another wave.i really hope hope not.

Fight Club. Whos in?

2008-07-12T15:28:00.003+08:00

i just caught fight club. nvr felt so estranged in my life until now. i liked the initial part of the movie. witty dark humour and a self alighment i had with the character. what are all of us to begin with? as the movie grew, so does the inner side of me.it grew darker, deeper, n lower; close to rock bottom. yea, when u lose everyting, thats when u can do anything. i duno why i am having such dark thoughts on a seemingly nice saturday afternoon. i feel released suddenly, wanting to do anyting tat comes to my mind be it good, bad, angelic or devilish. then the consciousness kick in. We r human beings, tats why we can control n do things which we deemed fit n necessary. we aint some foul smelling beasts which does nothing but eat sleep n reproduce as they deem liked. but in the movie, its showing what a human being is capable of doing, with the thoughts of an enraged soul lying in a corner of our minds.except that he gets away with it cos its a movie while u dun get a second chance in life.is tat why we r doing and what we r trying to do here? avoiding conflicts? avoiding fights? keeping the inner self in check while pursuing needless things?this movie is not for the ones on the fence; it will jus push u over the lawn of self decrepting wastes.u got to be responsible if u r tinking of watching this movie.u dun make omelettes without breaking a few eggs though... i broke mine

i lost so much today

2008-06-26T21:58:00.002+08:00

26th Jun'08. the day my grandad took away gran from me. i got a call from dad during work n i feared the worst when i picked it up. he rarely calls. i rushed to the hospital with my work on hand seemingly the least important. i reached, i saw. doctors were trying to resuscitate my gran. doctor in charge told my family n me abt gran's condition. she had only abt an hr left. It proved to be my longest hr in my life yet. i went in, i saw her with so so many things attached to her body. i teared. i hear how much she suffered during the day while i laughed n make merry during work with my colleagues. i hate myself. i teared. i held her hand which used to be so big when she took mine n off we went to the market. now....my hand is larger but hers is colder. i cried. i nvr ever learn. jus when i started to take things for granted, fate gave me the cruelest blow. i reached home no mood for dinner no mood to shower i jus chain smoked staring at the dark sky. i suddenly see a vision of my grandad n gran's faces. they were smiling at each other, like 2 young lovebirds who met after a long while of separation.they smiled at me, and walked away.. towards the sunset along the beach back facing me. thats the only smile i had today

changing for the environment

2008-06-25T23:20:00.002+08:00

had lunch with my new colleagues today. It became a regularity lunching out compared to the old times where ill faithfully ta bao to my office to eat. I always murmured to myself when i walked past these ppl having their meals outside: r they crazy?! lunching outside in this weather, n its hard to get a seat anyway. Now the mumbler became the mumbled.

A new workplace always has new rules, new sets of regulations to follow n when one has been so used to a regimental style, i feel uncomfortable working in the new workplace becos they give u so much freedom. So much that im worried im not doing enuff to earn my keep. Perhaps i have been well drilled doing enormous amts of work, working til unearthly hrs at times n going back to work on saturdays being a formality. When u have been doing from 20 vessels a month to jus 3 suddenly, u will realise that u have the time to fart.

Had dinner with melody and desiree today at carls' junior. 1st time eating there n ill say its not really that BIG as famed. The ladies said it had shrunk now. I realised.. i always jumped onto the band wagon when everyone has alighted.

u r not alone my fren

2008-06-19T01:16:00.006+08:00

18th of June 2008. A day in the calendar year. Some had it ordinary, some had it exhilarating, some had it bad and some had it good. Whatever it is, we r all the same. We r humans, bounded by the same fixed cycle of live, ageing and death. If u had a good day, remember it and let it live as long as u can in ur mind. If u had a bad one, always know that there is someone out there who had it worst than u.

Come 19th of Jun where time waits for no one, know tat as it passes by, so too does the pain decreases. Its already the 19th.

I jus posted this blog, something happened thereafter and im back to add in this bit.

I got scolded by my grumpy dad cos my hp message tone is too loud for him. He will never do it to his other beloved son, my brother. Talk abt having a bad start to the day...... farc

a life movie tats unreal?

2008-06-15T23:04:00.007+08:00

Caught the movie sex and the city with melody. I tot im smart becos i can usually predict whats going to happen in the movie but shes even better; beating me to it by predicting the happenings even faster than my overworked brain.

I can say tat its a good movie which i am able to relate myself to. However, as real life as i tot it is, the ending sort of disappoint me. You know.. the standard everyone gets what they wan n live happily ever after ending. I aint no pessimist but im sure in this world, not everyone gets the ending they wan out of someting. The thing i liked though, is tat i can see myself in most of the characters. Im not good with names(sexyback knows best...) so i shall jus call them by whatever i associate them with.

To start off, i know how sarah jessica parker felt when the lawyer fren didnt tell her someting which she ought to know. I have that experience too and believe you me, its not the nicest feeling to have. The sense of betrayal lingers even if the matter died down. Try as i might but the frenship is tainted. Pls understand. I forgived, but i cant forget.

The lawyer's husband...Steve if i didnt get it wrong. He made a single mistake in his relationship. He paid for it. Just once but its enuff. How many of us are allowed the redemption that we craved for after we made a critical mistake? I dont....but im fine, ill live with it. The only difference between us is that he is given a chance to rectify n make good. The reconciliation at the brookyln bridge made me realise the movie is heading towards the 'dreaded everyone will be happy' ending.

The woman who's with the actor...the one who likes to 'colour'. We r in the same boat cos while we both knew what we wanted, we cant get it and we do other things which we dun wan to do to distract ourselves. Im not saying i like to 'colour'; i dun sleep ard, i sleep at my home.

Mr Big. Comes across to me as the confident, everything is under his control man who ill like to emulate. That is...until he stood sarah up. Sadly thats what i can associate myself with of him at the moment. The times i didnt stand up for my loved ones or my frens linger in my mind. All has passed, i hope there will be none of that, i know there will be none of it.

It seems weird when my ending relates to the beginning of the movie, but all endings are the start of a new beginning i guess. Yes...i was the innocent, naive guy who came to the world looking for things like the young new-yorkers. Its thru life experiences tat shaped the me today. I didnt learn it the rosy way but im glad they happened. Im more prepared and sceptical in the future as a result. Sceptical might sound harsh...ill settle for ready instead. No, im not being emo again. I know im fine now, everyting has been laid to rest(im grateful for the taka encounter) and im looking forward to work tml. Righttttt.

school of nididas vs school of justin keys

2008-05-25T02:59:00.005+08:00

so many things on my mind, so many things to say but i duno where to start. i jus had a chat with jodie on the topic RELATIONSHIPS. i liken the way we established the two different schools of tot. Not one for the purists.....if a person who is already attached went as far as hugging/kissing/fucking with u while the feelings towards each other are mutual, which school do u enrol to?

School A: u know, he/she knows the feelings are mutual. A la nike/adidas: just do it, impossible is nothing.

School B: there is a chinese idiom (pardon me my sp mates...though its more than 4 words its still a cheng yuu. it goes someting like u cut ppls head, be prepared for ppl to cut ur head. A la justin timberlake/alicia keys:nid i mention the songs?

Not trying to start a mass debate here n there are so much more views on these 2 schools. It could be school B is for the pessimists etc etc, we shant go into that and also.....pls dun flame me. not that i cared anyway but im jus a human who cant be a nice guy, tries to be a bad man n fails as well.

we r all selfish by nature

2008-05-12T22:11:00.002+08:00

I was tinking....when u see someone close to u suffer from an illness, what do u really wish for? If death is a point everyone mus go thru, how shud we view it then? When my grandad left me suddenly due to a heart attack, the departure was so sudden that i blamed practically everything n everyone. Why is the chance of saying good bye deprived from me?

Now i see my granma. I realised what might have been a better route. I feel sad when my grandad left me, but its worse when i see my granma suffering now. Of cos initially i was tinking; 'pls, let her live'. That in a way is a selfish me, hoping to cling on to dear gran for the fear of losing her in my life. Little did i know that she will have to as a result, suffer at my expense. The illness, slowly taking over her strong n healthy body n reducing it to utter frailness. I realised i dun need an emotional hold hands hug her farewell anymore, i jus hope shes at peace. Grant me this wish n u own my soul

i saw it

2008-04-28T01:07:00.002+08:00

I was on my way to the hospital visiting gran, plugging to my ipod in random songs mode. Suddenly, a song came, one that reminds me of my past relationship. I hear the lyrics carefully, i sing along with it in my heart, n realised though the words are beautiful, i have not really did what i had meant in the song to my special ones in the past. I told myself this is it. The song is not being played by random, its meant to be a sign for me; to learn the lesson, move on n be a better man. It was furthur reinforced when sam's words came ringing in my mind almost instantaneously. 'We all make mistakes, learn from this episode and it will make u a better person in the future. You will know more abt what u shud n shud not do and be a better lover. Thats the whole value in what has happened' It took me until now to really understand n believe it. thank you my fren.

I guess it not only applies to failed relationships. It can be same for businesses, driving tests(for ah pang) or rather, in all aspects of life. Lets all stop biatching abt life n learn as we grow old. Thats the only valuable thing in ageing.

maybe its definate

2008-04-27T01:46:00.004+08:00

I woke up at 11am tks to sexyback's phone call harassment, i mean.... i shud get to wake up after 12 on a saturday right? I was lying on my bed talking to him on my cellphone n he has the cheek to ask me to leave my bed, walk to the living room and use the house phone to call him.

Am supposed to go cycling with shir at ec but i had to visit my gran who isnt feeling well at the hospital, so sorry to aeroplane her, sorry my bad. I reached there and was surprised to see my fren steph there. Her mum is actually sleeping beside my gran's bed, talk abt coincidence. We smiled, exchanged eye contacts and that was really it. Guess the hospital is not really a good place to see ur frens unless we r talking abt the baby delivery rooms. Granny is feeling tired today and didnt talk much. She fell asleep while i was sitting silently beside her. Suddenly she opened her eyes and asked me: ah kai, is ah ma going to die this time? I did not know what to say. I answered: why did u say that?(though we both know the answer to it; the devil has always been just a earshot away) She did not answer, closed her eyes n went back to sleep. Maybe this is living, life's really a bitch sometimes.

I left the hospital to catch a movie with Jodie and Joann; Definately Maybe. The cab fare costs me 20 bucks wtf! And when i collected the tickets, had a smoke n went back to our meeting place, the ladies are not here yet... not very interested la they. The movie was beautiful, but i felt im like the male lead, always missing the train and to suddenly come to terms with reality abt the things that u have always believed in life, that they are not what u believed, it can be devastating. When the movie ended, the two biatches turned to me and said: yingkai dun feel sad or lonely hor. Thats when i feel like committing my first assault on fellow human beings in GV tampines and slap them. But i love them la, they are good people.

Had dinner with them together with sexyback and koo bye at swensens. Eating is a chore as always. No prizes to guess who finished last. And the day ended with 3 guys drinking n eating stingray at old kallang airport hawker centre, talking nothing but cock as always. I love them too btw.

Brace urself

2008-04-21T23:18:00.003+08:00

This is day 3 of my braces adventure. I had them on since saturday and had felt the impact more or less. No more burger king mushroom swiss, KFC cheese fries are out, bye bye apples, peanuts and popcorn. In came the porridge, mash potatoes and cereal drinks. Not to mention ktv sessions. It will come with a lao hong effect now. All in all, its still good compared to the tonsilitis i had last year where every food or drink is a nightmare. I cant really swallow like zoe tay. This is still fine except that the teeth hurt at the slightest touch. Not to mention the lips being bua-ed by the metal slots causing distress.

No Jodie; u wont even think of kissing, so ur concern is unwarranted. Nobody wants to kiss a metal mouth like u said. Ill say, u wont want to kiss people with a metal mouth either.

Maybe its better that way

2008-04-18T02:06:00.003+08:00

For a long time i thought il succeed. For a long time i thought its only temporary. For a long time i thought all will be like the good old days. I have been wrong for a long time. I know what to do already. Tks sexyback, tks to those who tried talking sense to me while i act like a man who had lost everything in the world.

I wasnt really good these few weeks. I was visiting gran when she suddenly cant breathe well. Her condition got real bad that i have to bring her to the hospital. With my aunt stil working outside, we do not have any vehicle available. Thats where i felt the strain of uselessness. Yea, my dad always says owning a car is expensive, he rather not own one; my aunt said owning a car is expensive as well. But imagine owning a car in this situation where i can rush my gran to the hospital. I always have this "my family have to rely on others' vehicles to get to anywhere" thought. Call it egoistic, call it materialistic but im getting a car jus to dispel this sense of relying on others. I HATE it. In the end, i had to bring her down, hail a cab to send her to the hospital cos i reckon calling an ambulance might be too late.

I sat at the front while gran sat behind. We were in the cab for not for even a minute when she felt really terrible. She shouted she cant breathe and grabbed me from my back real tight. She told me she will die. At that moment, i duno what to do. I can only keep patting her back and tell her we are reaching the hospital soon though we are not. That sense of uselessness and helplessness when the grim reaper threatens to strike. What can mere mortals do? Fortunately, she managed to survive till we reached the hospital. That's where i turn from being sorrowful to a very angry man. The doctor was talking to one of the patients while i push my gran in the wheelchair. Gran was still shouting that she cant breathe n sighing so loudly everyones' eyes were fixated on grandma n grandson. I asked the doctor for help and he can give me a bloody 'pls get her to register first' reply. The A&E of Changi Hospital doesnt seem so A&E oriented at all to me. The nurse that came fared no better. She asked me a question twice when she is taking the blood pressure of my grandma and i snapped at the second reply. A thousand years also passed before she managed to get a reading of the blood pressure when a few seconds is all it takes. Then im left to wait outside while they gave my gran 4 injections.

My aunt arrived later and the doctor gave us an assessment of the condition. She teared when she heard what the doctor said. For the 1st time in my life, i hope my gran will go peacefully and stop her suffering. Its either saving her legs or saving her life. At age 80 plus, losing her legs is as good as dead i feel. And the scene of her telling me she is going to die when she grabs me in the cab. I guess grandpa is getting lonely and wants her to accompany him.

Maybe its time to stop being selfish to others, you and me alike.

Alone with 江山美人

2008-04-05T12:26:00.003+08:00

Its been a while since i posted anything. Not becos im busy, not becos i couldnt be bothered but becos my life's such a routine there is nothing much to write abt. There are times where u jus wan to be not sober n spend the day away. There are times where u wan to be alone by urself. Yesterday was such a day. Was supposed to meet sexyback but jus suddenly have the urge to be alone. Cancelled outing with him n hit bedok for a movie alone. It seems none of my frens are interested in the movie 江山美人. Maybe it is becos of the way the movie title is named or none of them likes the actors/actress involved but its a good movie though. Its even better when its free sitting inside the dilapidated cinema with a mcnuggets meal in hand.

I have always like this type of movies with the 3000 plus people involved war scenes and the design of armours on each character. Their armours always come with a tinge of modernization that can put some designers to shame. Kelly Chen's helmet is a masterpiece. At first glance, it looks like a chicken's head with those long thin metal pieces sticking out but i guess the helmet typically signifies her. They both belong to the category of 'the more u look, the nicer they are' type.

Though its a war movie, there is ur usual love development between the leads and its really beautiful. Ladies might be turned off by the title (realy damm o'biang), so.... from a marketing perspective, it shud be renamed as 'Hot air ballon trip with ur loved one'. Hmmm this sucks from a male's point of view though. But trust me, while im seldom right of some things in life....i do have my fair share of correct judgements.

Riverfool

2008-03-23T23:23:00.002+08:00

Man U 3 RiverFool 0 enuff said.... totally disgusting shit from the merseysiders. I only watched till half time and decided enuff is enuff. Gone are the days where Liverpool passed the ball ard till we all gona fall asleep before doing a killer move like an eagle swiping down for a kill. The Liverpool now makes me sleep from the 1st minute. Damm the Reds

Using heart is hard

2008-03-13T22:54:00.004+08:00

How many times have we used our heart over our head to make a decision and came off tinking what it might have been had we be more clear minded? In my younger days, i always thought the heart will rule over the head, do what your heart says my voice in the head always echos...until recently where i know my dad is getting on in years, with illnesses starting to ravage the flailing human body. It made me change my viewpoint. As the eldest son, i know i have to do something about it.

Im at a crossroad now. Lying ahead of me are three routes:
A. To carry on working in my present co. under a diff dept with a good pay.
B. Join a company with a familiar environment consisting of some colleagues i have worked for 4 years.
C. Joining none and start afresh.

Money vs Feelings: the eternal battle. Its rare ppl can have the best of both worlds i would say. Doing what you like and getting paid for it. I like to sleep, i dun get paid for it, i like to play football, im not pro enough. Nobody pays me to drink..... the list goes on and on. By staying in the present co, i get a good pay rise compared to that if i choose option B. Maybe the choice is clear enuff, perhaps being sentimental is my Achilles heel.

I have actually made up my mind where ill be heading with just some loose ends to tie. Whether is correct or wrong, it will only be known in the future. Guess thats the beauty of life where uncertainty lurks.

Miracle and Disaster

2008-03-10T01:53:00.003+08:00

Sunday morning...i woke up at 945am although i gamed till 4am. Miracle. I was still lying on my bed when i heard my mom talking to our neightbour. 'Fwah, very suay, my son is showering, i have no keys.' Her son, is my younger bro. Of course she didnt even think abt her other son being awake at that time; not a chance. I walked to the door with my keys, opened the door for her and tell her its her lucky day and she agreed with a smile.

I spent my morning watching movies til i canot take it ard 3pm. Took a nap and the nap cost me 4 sunday hours. I woke up at 7pm. Disaster. How ironic; i wanted to wake up early so i wont waste my sunday to sleep. I managed that, but i threw it away by napping for 4hrs. Maybe im really tired. I had a cycling session with Kel the previous day. I duno how we did it but we cycled for close to 2 hrs. We combed thru ec, we went to the jetty...memoirs of bran surfaced. I used to have such fun times cycling here. We will cycle n enjoy the breeze, we will drink and chat under the tree....its all memories to me now, happy memories ill bring to my grave surely.

lean mean machina vs bloke with a d-shaped body

2008-03-04T00:12:00.004+08:00

I finally did it. I was talking to Addex during CNY eve abt signing up for gym. I was telling Ken to sign up for gym together for a week. I discussed with Bryan abt joining a gym for 2 weeks. Then came the hr of enlightment: i was doing the irritable channel switching activity at gran's house when i hit MTV channel. Hollywood's 100 sexist bodies were on showcase. I see Will Smith's body in I am Legend, i see Brad Pitt's in Troy...I see Brandon in the mirror....

So it is..today im officially a gym member en route to a lean mean machina. Not really also....im not looking to turn myself into The Rock or The Ultimate Warrior but it will be helpful to shed some meat off my belly. Its becoming a joke among those who have seen it and something mus be done quik before they link my belly pics to Steven Lim's videos.

I got 'yellow carded' by my manager today. Seems the back logs of my work is drving people in my company nuts. Everyone in Finance Dept is waiting for me to close their accounts. Anyone who sees me tells me their things are urgent. Someone told me to quit my job to find a better one. No one knows what im going through.

If my life span is 56, im having a mid life crisis at the moment.

Sweet Dreams

2008-02-26T00:07:00.002+08:00

I had a sweet dream recently. I wont say what i dreamt abt but it was really really nice. It felt so good that when i woke up, i dont want to believe tat it was all but a dream. I have not felt such happiness for a very long time. It felt so real that when i woke up, i was left largely disappointed that it is not a reality. We all know whats reality but we choose not to face it sometimes. Thats what i did, trying to go back to sleep n hoping to dream the same dream again but it never came. Ill work towards making that dream come true. I still do, i still care.

Edison the Edoit

2008-02-24T01:35:00.002+08:00

Its been a while, hope everyone have been good in this ratty year. Of cos, the most happenig places on earth now are Hong Kong (for the Edison episode) as well as some parts of China where copies of his 'works' are unrelentingly being copied.

I am baffled by what that kuku has said in his press conference. Sure, his dressing is being complimented as being dark and solemn but his speech somehow left much to be desired abt. I cant feel his remorse throughout the whole thing, he still want what ill called 'kek sey' and what he said really gave netizens more things to bomb him on. The best one? 'I'll be devoting my time to charity' That is a joke ill say.... First.... u dun go around telling people you are going to do charity work. That is so fake; you are telling people of the good things you are going to do. Second, does it mean tat you are doing charity work only when u have done something wrong? Yea, i might be overly critical but some comments i have read really made me laugh. People suggested he can do charity work by donating sperm to the sperm banks. Im not sure if that is in demand but i thought he shud be the hottest property for camera giants like Nikon or Canon. Given his love for photography and excellent shooting skills, no surprises if he ends up being a spokeman for either of the companies.

Just when im slowly taking it for granted...

2008-02-12T00:12:00.000+08:00

I was having a chat with Cherv n Kel after a hearty meal when Dad called. He was at the hospital; granny isnt doing too good and there might be a possibility things will turn for the worst. I ended the gathering and made my way to the hospital and how the old familiar feeling resurfaces.

We all get worried when we hear news like this. We get even more worried if we have all along took it for granted that they will constantly be there whenever we want to see them at every weekend family gathering. I saw my relatives waiting at the leisure corner cos the doctor n nurses were drawing blood/urine samples and attaching wires onto my beloved gran. We waited for a good 1/2 hr before they were done and i walked into the ward full of sick patients. I saw her asleep, with a weathered face apparently enduring a pain which we wouldnt know how it really felt on her tired body. Doctors advised they will do tests on the samples collected and revert thereafter but this is still a critical time. My eyes felt wet, my nose turned runny, i want to cry but decided to cry 'inside' instead. I have to give the mental toughness n support to my other aunts who were there. The last thing i wan is to start a crying ensemble in the ward at 1130pm. The feeling isnt good when this is the only 80 plus year old lady im very very close with in this world.

For everything else, there's........

2008-02-03T16:24:00.000+08:00

Rambo--->$7.00
Mcnuggets meal--->$7.00
Haircut--->$19.00
Dunhill frost--->$11.60
Pizza with dad and mom--->$23.50
2 bottles of Carlsberg--->$10.60
Fifa'07 with Bryan and shouting--->Priceless

I didnt mention abt the free jap buffet i had with sexyback and his younger brother. Wasnt really free if i have to count the endless shit i have to put up with him. This is classified under 'Repayment'.

I reckon we r both sad ppl. He has his problems, i have mine. He was talking abt it few weeks ago and still talking abt it now....so do i. Lets hope things wil clear up for the both of us. Fren.... u know what needs to be done la, i shall say no more.

I saw a MTV that was so touching. After i watched it, my aunt called to get me downstairs to help her carry some prawns to my house. I was literally choking thru the phone that she thought there's something wrong with me. Damm, the Koreans are good tear inducers.......

Beware of fridays

2008-01-26T03:27:00.000+08:00

Meeting Ken, Kel and Vun on fridays only guarantees a toxic overdose. Add that to the fragile defence of mine and u have a someone burping out Tiger even when he is bathing. Not helping my case cos im only on a 20 sit ups regime which is condemned and sniggered almost universally... but hey.. i have the fats now...i jus need time to convert them to 'muscles from brussels' as Ma Tai put it few years back.

Im in control, i know it. It just that sometimes my heart overuled my head. There are times like this and as Nat put it, its just one of those nights....the type of nights that ill love to vanquish...

I drink, i end up sleeping in da living room and im loving it.

I lied.

7 deadly sins

2008-01-18T00:07:00.000+08:00

Word for word, im gonna see what sins i have.....

☑Pride
Not one who will readily accept others' views and advice though i might be wrong and they are just in it to guide me back.

ؽEnvy
You drive ur BM, u stay in ur 1mil condo for all i care. As long as i get the occasional free rides home and get to attend ur house warming for the food, im fine.

☑Gluttony
Bring on KFC cheese fries or black pepper crab anyday!

☑Lust
Ill be plain honest. Who doesnt look at hunks or babes?

☑Anger
Join my company, buy a DVD player like mine that randomly refuses to fast forward the scenes.

☑Greed
Only non 4D/Toto/soccer betting people can leave the box unchecked. I need to check the box 3 times though.

☑Sloth
Testimonials will reveal i can minimally qualify as a Sloth-in-command. Sleeping is my hobby.

Ohhh btw im single, who's interested???

Just for a laugh

2008-01-15T23:51:00.000+08:00

I told Donald im cutting down my alcohol intake to once a week, he laughed.
I told Kel I will get gold for coming IPPT, he laughed.
I told Sexyback i hate him, he laughed.
I told Kiam Hwa ill join the next soccer session, he laughed.
I told Ken im disgusted with the song 温柔, he laughed.
I told YY im signing up for gym, he laughed.
I told Cherv i hate bowling cos the shoes at the bowling alleys stink, she laughed.
I told Joyce ill sleep early everynight, she laughed.
I told Jodie i am her good fren, she laughed.
I told Sam i wished we know who is Zhang Guo Si, he laughed.
I told Ah Pang i will arrange for gathering when she is overseas, she laughed.
I told Ma Tai i failed 2.4km, he laughed.

I looked at what i have typed, i laughed.

十年了....

2008-01-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

Dinner with poly frens is always talking abt past events. I duno y but we have the knack of digging things which happen then and babble it to our own silly tune.

Sam, Ah Pang and myself are the on-timers, Ma Tai is the best dressed late comer,Jodie....hao xiang bu shi hen interested. She came after i finished my 1st can of coke. This place we were dining...has really nice chicken rice and really slow kikkoman sauce. U have to wait for a while before the sauce slowly makes it way out of its comfort zone onto the fragrant rice. I dun understand but i tink Sam's fren's house toilet must be very well equipped. Ah Pang and Sam went up to borrow toilet and the 3 of us waited till we are impatient and decided to forsake them. The toilet must have a tv in it....

We went Spinelli's after going Cineleisure to draw money and absorbing the essence of youth from the young ppl there. As we waited for the arrival of Ah Pang and Sam, we bumped into Adrian. Another polymate who shares the same boring tutorials, boring lectures with me. Jodie brought along some photographs taken at our bbq back then. Everyone were ugly.Period. I didnt know what i was doing to myself with the ekin lookalike hair. Yes, thats wat they all call me in school. Ekin lookalike when my hands cover my face. That's y i love them. Endless sarcasm with no real evil intent and forever repeating jokes which are always funny i duno y.

When the two finally linked up, we went for our very 1st ktv session in ten years. That's when i hear my partners in crime sing and make merry. A pity i didnt bring my camera, becos the cameras ard jus dun seem to make the mark leh. Sry Ma Tai i gota say it; ur camera screen is smaller than my mobile phone screen. Sry Ah Pang, ur camera dun have touch screen....anyway.. we had some nice wacky photos but i still wont paste them here. Too lazy n hassle,go to Ah Pang's site n see la.

Ma Tai left...Sam left...jus Jodie, Ah Pang n me visiting Swensen's at Crown Prince. 3 ppl sharing a portion of baked rice, 3 ppl with own sad story, 3 ppl with own complains. But its also 3 ppl who talked and share problems openly which made all of us feel better i would say.

Yea, i enjoyed myself tat day. Pity we dun really meet that often but well ppl, we made tat outing worth the wait eh.

Tks to.........

2008-01-08T01:17:00.000+08:00

Following post is not for the hardcore religion ppl, its only for those who have an open mind.......

Tks to those who cared abt me; words of encouragement u all have given me, though i haven implement it, they lay in a part of me waiting to be awaken.

Tks to those who called me every now n then(only 1 arse); i enjoy talking derogatory n evil stuff with you. You make me a balanced man in my angelic life with those devilish conversations which u and me hope none will know abt eternally.

Tks to those who sang n drank with me; KTVs wil never be the same without u ppl with those nonsensical 'ho yi liaos' and voice breaking songs to go with.

Tks to those who aeroplane me when i tot i will have ur companionship... JAL is missing a good air stewardess believe you me.

Tks to those who proposed for outings a day after all has already happened. Credit suisse ppl are not stupid wat......

Im not committing suicide; im not writing my last blog n sending it to TCS before i go on a shooting spree in some schools in sg, its jus tat i want to make my feelings known shud i be gone suddenly like MC King. Im sure he has so much more to say than me here but he hasnt got the chance.

Tell me God, why does the bad happen to the good n the good happen to the bad? Trials to test the faith like God did to Job? I agree with u angel Morrie, perhaps he overdid it....

Wat now 2008?

2008-01-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's overdue, its kinda irrelevent but im saying it nonetheless. Farc 2007, its been a hellish year at least for me. For those who have had fond memories of 2007, we stand on different platforms then. Faced with a new job scope and new relationship status, it was never easy as i felt i have been fighting alone in work with no loved one to share my problems n offering diff viewpoints n encouragement.

A few days of 2008 passed, gradual improvement in my mood i must say... sadness, misery reduced with a tinge of hatred coming in. Im having a 'of watever u do, dun make me.. dun' mood.

A new interest? A flash in the pan? A derogatory life? A way to distract my mind? Yea, it all fits into this current new lifetyle im having right now. A form of escape, a form of transfering the affections away, but i know it wont last, i know it will bear no fruit.

Aura of despair?

2007-12-30T02:54:00.000+08:00

Do i have it? The aura of despair? Not sure but on evidence it aint not so positive. Bala on saturday is...well ok sexyback likes it so i shant say much. Had a couple of drinks there before we adjourned to Timbre. This place rocs as far as i am concerned. The live band souns like ur typical Offspring...the type i hanker for. They wacked watever songs coming their way...maybe u will see me more often there. I got intro to James, Cresse and Irene. All looked a different league than i am but its a wonder how friendly they are. We chatted as if we know each others for years. We went to Crewroom after that cos they tot we had an urge to sing and thats where i discovered the coolest place for a smoke.

On the second level which we were sitted, there is a door by the toilet which opens to the roof. I was smoking there when i tot i can climb onto the latch. I tot for a while n heck, morrie was in my head.. go along..as long as u dun harm urself or others and there i was...lying alone on the latch of the roof glazing the stars as i puffed my cigarette away. It was there i saw Andy, sexyback's fren working there and he told me to 'let things go'. Funny i didnt tell him abt wat im unhappy with but there he was telling me, givng me advise and spurring me on. Funny number 2 when i accompanied Cressie down to hail a cab for her. We were smoking and there she was telling me: hey let things go, dun be sad anymore though its hard. I really do give ppl the aura of despair? We had a good chat exchanging experiences before she got on the cab but for 2 ppl who knew me on the actual day to cheer up, i must have looked like a gloom or acted like one.

Dun really care now, seeing dbl vision n 'drifting'....

I Am Bored

2007-12-28T00:18:00.000+08:00

Thats how i felt when i was watching I Am Legend. Met up with my army campmates for this one and the movie sort of suck. Maybe i expected too much from Will Smith, maybe i got fooled by the trailer cos as far as i am concerned, the movie was painfully slow and i dun find the injected humour humorous. The idea of supposedly living alone in a city is refreshing though i must say. Sometimes we need to be alone in our own world, sometimes we need our own space but most of the time, we need companionship. I see how Will loses his petdog and somehow, i can really feel the pain he is going thru... ur only support, ur only pillar leaving you. When that happens, u lose ur direction, u lose ur senses. You do things which ur calm mind will not think of sometimes;u do irrational things. For him, he decides to have a showdown with the 'seekers' i tink, knowing he has no chance of survival. That's what it can drive humans. Then there will be someone, that someone who will rescue u from ur point of self destruction. The someone who will 'light up the darkness'(one of the 2 meaningful quotes in the movie) The other meaningful quote? Go watch the movie only if u r tat desperate to know.

1 Martell.. make it 2.. make it 3

2007-12-20T03:06:00.000+08:00

No, i didnt stay n finish the 3rd Martell for my buddy kel's bday celebration.(Sry for the screw up Angie, my bad.. will make it up on the next outing with u n sexyback. Ill pay for the....mixers?)

Maybe becos i wan to come home and write this blog; its been a while hasnt it? Been hooked to an online mmorpg game iggy recommends.. bro.. duno if you did the right thing or not haha! Consecutive nights of gaming with u guys till 0300 is not helping me achieve longevity. Fellow colleagues also wont like to see a zombified colleague snapping at anything coming his way.

Maybe its the tempting fried fish soup that i craved before drinking. The more i drink, the hungrier i got and here i am, having a satisfied meal with fish soup mixing wih the martell in my stomach -.- There was a little girl at the fish soup stall: Kian Hua Wan Ton Mee.. yea..Wan Ton Mee they sell also. She is like wat...at most 13-14 years old but she is helping her parents(i presume) at the stall even at a time like 0230. Kudos to her. Not easy for a girl her age but what she learns will be valuable experiences dealing with the society or so i hope. It might not be an understatement to say she is the only 13-14 year old girl helping at her parents' stall at this time in sg, correct me if im wrong.

Maybe its becos i feel bad after giving Eric a piece of my mind. The guy has a history of over dosing himself with liquor and claiming he is all right at the same time all the time. I have seen too much of it and decided to go on a lashing spree on him. I was despicably frank with him and after he left... i couldnt help but feel remorseful abt it. What right do we have to criticize others if we did not render any help to them? That's wat my driving instructor said to me. If you didnt try to help, dun criticize when things go wrong on them cos u didnt do ur part anyway. Ahhh the self sufficient might say, we r all responsible for our own lives n decisions we make but i beg to differ. Friends are there for a reason: if u see ur fren bleeding on his leg but he doesnt know it, wil u tell him abt it? Yes, he might continue to walk clumsily, fall n bleed again but i felt the least u can do is to apply some ointment on the wound, if u get wat im trying to say. My tots, my views, u can choose to agree or disagree to hell i care. Enuff of being the everytime nice guy already. Ill be nice when i need to be, ill farc u when i have to; i wont want to see you rot.

And yea, Mr Fabio Capello...ill learn a new language in a month if i earn 6.5 mil pounds a year like you do.

It's.........

2007-12-13T01:49:00.000+08:00

It's.....funny i chose to meet up with 2 buggers for dinner;Sexyback n Shawn. I duno y but they always have the uncanny ability to make me go on a vulgarity spree. One arranged to pick me up at IP at 2015 but he's at Parkway Parade 2020. The other can wait until we call him, then he moves his ass down from his house to the meeting point. The 3rd bugger, yy is at bala. Duno wad happened to him these days but i reckon he is busy with another yy. Maybe sexyback is right....we r frens...thats y we shud take each others' shet.

It's.....weird that i alighted from a taxi clearly sober after a night of clubbing at O Bar(if u call putting both hands in your trousers' pockets while the dj spins his tracks). I can walk straight in a line to my lift without tripping a step. I was there for Donald's pre bday celebration. I had enuff of hangovers lately and my folds of fats evolved from my ONCE washboard abs motivated me to keep my drinks at a minimum. No beers, little chivas here n there is enuff for the night.

It's.....about time i hit the exercise regime. Not a pretty sight i am with those folds and to think i told myself i wont end up like the same as my dad's 'happy belly'. A subscription to a gym membership beckons. No yy....no sexyback....i want a gym with complete amenities, one which is near my home. Not one with babes or wat have u.

It's.....mystifying when u keep going back to situations where u will hurt yourself over and over again. Its a cycle which i cant get out at the moment. Emotionally, im drained and i duno wad i can do to get out of it. Frens can be there for you but they have their own commitments, their own matters to take care of. Ultimately, you take care of yourself but the heart is what im using to think at the moment.

It's.....unexplainable im writing my blog at this hour when im gonna wake up at 0730 next morning. Always the same old story:sleep late, wake up next morning promising myself to sleep early that night but sleep late again. Yea, maybe you r right, im j.

Pre-Olympic Games

2007-12-08T04:08:00.000+08:00

I just got back from Xiamen business trip. Thoguh i managed to achieve what i wanted to do there, i was unwittingly dragged into the pre olympic games competition with the chinese there.

Event number 1: Withstanding the cold wind at night while walking along the streets.
I duno wats the temeperature there but im only wearing a normal long sleeve business shirt while my chinese counterparts are warmly fitted with sweaters. Of cos, as a singaporean representative, i have to keep my cool or in this case, fire and brave thru the bone piercing wind as we take a slow walk after dinner. It was so cold that i break into shivers sometimes and when i speak, it was close to mumbling. I dun really have a business wear for cold weather. Maybe i shud get one of those, say, trenchcoats like Jose Morinho.

Event number 2: Beer drinking competition.
The manager of the company had his frens from Qingdao visiting him and we had dinner together. The 11 of us head to a restaurant where practically everyting is buffet style; including beer..... As i waited for their arrival, i saw a man sneeze and subsequently spit his mucus out from his mouth just beside the place he is sitting -.- When the group arrived, they wasted no time swooping for the bottles of beer in sight. 30? 40? i duno how many bottles we had. When we realised all bottles are still capped and need to be opened, they did not call for the waitresses. Instead, they took out their own beer bottle opener from their pockets. Who da hell will carry beer bottle opener around! These men are the stalwarts, the pros. I look at my china female colleague who was sitting at the next table and somehow i tink i can read from her eyes: 'good luck fren'. They took turns to 'cheers' their new found singaporean fren and i dun really want to talk abt wat happen to me after dinner that night.

There we have it. The score after the two events: China 2 Singapore 0

we walked n walked in a sea of humans

2007-12-02T02:51:00.000+08:00

I met Chervelle today. I had so many places to go and she is kind enuff to accompany me. She had her own agenda too.. buying a christmas gift for her bf. 1st stop was suntec where i found the thing im looking for but they dun have the size. Bad start i thought but its still only the 1st stop and off we went to the dreaded place on saturday called Orchard Road. Heeren Swatch was next where i went to collect a watch. From Heeren, we walked to Taka's mens department. Cant find anything there too within her budget.. hmmm 150 to buy a working bag.. is it realy that tough?

I wanted to buy Emporio Armani perfume in Tangs but heck they only have Giorgio there. Double heck when we asked the salesgirl if Tangs carry Emporio. She hissed and pointed: its jus beside you. I know its hard working in retail.. so i jus said: umm thats Giorgio, we r looking for Emporio. 'Oh we dun have that' followed. Duno abt brands neh mind.. i didnt know a brand called Vera Wang existed til Sam told me but minimumly, u shud know ur area of work. I know mine:i know where my pantry is, i know where the coffee sachets are, i know wads in my company's fridge. Enuff lamenting, maybe she is new, maybe she can read all words except Emporio.

Not much happened on our way to Pacific Plaza.. i collected my second watch and thats when cher's fren Melody called and arranged to meet us at cineleisure. Men will know wad im tinking in my mind: Holy Shet...Heeren to Pacific Plaza to Cineleisure. Our legs are not configured to walk for long distance in shopping areas.

We met, we had dinner at LJS then we went to Balcony to pass time before they go to party. No, not me, i had enuff of these for the week. The two girls, they talked abt their bfs in 9 of their 10 sentences. They complain what they are unhappy abt, what they want their bfs to do for them but the bfs didnt etc etc. It set me thinking... girls talk abt their bfs and problems while we guys seldom do that.

I must have given my ex a lot of things to say in front of her frens, i must have made her feel real sad as she sought their advices, i must have given her undue stress when she cant talk abt the problems to me, i must have been a bad bf, i must start....to forgive myself for the past 1st then.

Definately maybe

2007-12-01T04:18:00.000+08:00

Definately maybe im determined to do what i have been doing.
Definately maybe im doing it for love.
Definately maybe im doing it for the attachment.
Definately maybe im expecting a miracle to happen.
Definately maybe im jus a fool.

Orchard with christmas deco is so so beautiful. The atmosphere, the lights, the decorations.. little wonder its the favorite holiday for most of us. This holiday always gives me a very magical feeling. Its like facing a cold weather but feeling the warmth of the ppl around you. I can feel peace jus by looking at the lights as they glitter like millions of stars close up. A pity i didnt bring my camera along to take some shots but maybe ill do it someday. I asked the guys sexyback, yy and hwee to go town with me tomolo night to take pictures and they all kept silent.... i mean.... is it really such an off idea? They are not fugly, i dun tink im fugly too, so...wads the problem?

The spirit, the momentum of the christmas season is approaching and i am actually a little afraid becos i know this year's christmas will not be the same. It could be a merry, merry christmas, lonely, lonely christmas 写了卡片能寄给谁, 心碎的象街上的纸屑. There is a limit as to how much frens can help. The rest, they say, is up to yourself.

Emotions

2007-11-29T21:53:00.001+08:00

I feel happy when i learnt sexyback got back together with his gf.
I feel sad when i tink of my failed relationship.
I feel lonely when im on overseas assignments.
I feel tired when my alarm wakes me up every morning.
I feel confused when somethings happen and somethings dont.
I feel angry when i kept being taken for granted.
I feel stupid when i keep hoping for somethings to happen with no reservations.
I feel motivated seeing how my wheel chair bound uncle copes with his life.
I feel irritated everytime i see the lame M1 advert with the bald man on TV.
I feel blessed to have frens who care for me in my darkest hours.
I feel sick of my work.

Emotion by Destiny's Child

It's over and done
but the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
instead of me tonight?

Chorus
And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
it's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
lost in the song
but if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star

repeat chorus

Bala lights on

2007-11-25T02:34:00.000+08:00

1st of all, sorry Kelvin... supposed to meet u for movie for i 'natural wake up' at 5pm today... so no go. I duno why also but i woke up ard 11 but its too tempting to carry on sleeping and i just forgot abt the time.

I met Bryan and Yao Yang for dinner after that. I was dressed in berms and slippers cos i wanted to come home after dinner for Black Hawk Down but they had no intention of that! Bryan drove me back to change and off we go to Balaclava. I dun like it when im operating on deficit and my frens gota 'tank' me for the expenses. The thought of paying for cover charges at Zouk or watever places turns me off even furthur but i feel equally bad when they pay for the bill while i act like a leech. I wonder wat got me to this stage in the first place.....

It was quiet at Bala. Not much people.. no problem getting a table but the band was playing 'dead music'.. not the 'dont look back in anger' but the 'how deep is ur love' zzzzz....We had Tuborgs which sucked as usual and Yao Yang ordered what Highland Scotch Whisky after that. It was suicidal to mix beer with hard liqueur but none of us cared. We met a mate from OCS; Mark(hope i spell correctly) and had a talk. 'You can take her shit while she can take your shit', thats wat he told us when we asked him abt married life. Hmm....YY and me had the same feel, maybe Mark phrased it more crudely, it shud be you can take each other's short comings. We drank till we are the last table at Bala and its a first when i was there when the lights were on. Bala suddenly looked ordinary.. not like the place where yuppies frequent, not a place where i tot only the rich goes. Its jus like another other ordinary pub. Every waiter and waitress was putting on a happy face and i can guess why. We are supposed to go to Geograhpers to meet nat but somehow, things dun work out. Maybe see u next time nat.

As for Bryan and YY.. okok i learnt my lesson, better over dress than under dress the next time;that will cut down on the cbs u two lashed at me tonight right?

Teo Heng part 1

2007-11-23T00:49:00.000+08:00

Teo Heng: A KTV at Katong shopping centre. A KTV i went with Bryan(1st time). A KTV that is cheap. A KTV that doesnt sell liquor but allows u to 'ta bao' from downstairs. Ken, Kel and Eric, are u hearing me? 4 hours for 50 dollars, Heineken ard 6.50 a bottle. And im home by 1.

Kel, I intro Bryan to 命硬 and he is INFATUATED like u lo. I hear him sing 3 times in ktv -.- Bryan and I were singing our guts out.... just the two of us.. wacking.. after 30mins.. he say no voice; watch read 2145.. nice...Cindy (Bryan's gf) came after that. Thats when i felt so out of place n weird. They lovey dovey then i alone trying to be like an invisible light bulb.

I stil have so much to say.. abt meeting Yao Yang n listening to his complaints on work with Bryan the previous night, abt feeling like a chicken chop in office cos everyone wants a piece of me, abt meeting Kieron for lunch and knowing abt his current life and job, abt finally finding the thing im searching for while looking for Cindy's bday present with Bryan, abt the biatch who didnt bait an eyelid when a guy picked up a card for her on the bus, abt how i will be the ambassador for Teo Heng part II in the future, abt how England crash out of Euro 2008 qualifying stage and im so happy cos i wil be saving money by not being able to bet on them in Euro 2008. Ok i tink i had said what i wanted actually.

Immortality....r u tempted?

2007-11-18T02:54:00.000+08:00

A long day...though im tired, i canot disappoint 2 of my faithful readers who told me themselves they are looking forward to my next blog.

I learnt someting today....nvr jump into conclusions. I was kinda hasty in my judgement of Stardust... The movie poster looks uninteresting, the movie title sounds like some barbie doll fantasy movie, i didnt really like Gwyneth Paltrow(realised it was Claire Danes during the movie) and i had wanted so much to watch Anna and Anna instead. Jodie was the ambassador for Stardust and with her promoting the movie and psychoing....so it was; i went to watch Stardust with some apprehension. I sat thru movies, real lousy ones. 'Lost in space'(i was really lost), 'Cyclo'(a movie with Tony Leung is not always a success), 'Blade'(i wish i can pierce a blade into the director's body) to name a few i disliked. But as the show moved on, its quite a nice movie i would say. Not really the best i have seen but a good one. Michelle Pfeiffer, my goddess in secondary school; brings back memories haha. De Niro collecting lightening to sell... thats a fresh thought..no...its been done. We have ppl selling to ppl oil at mad prices. What rights do they have i ask, selling mother nature's gift to us aother humans?

In the movie, Tristan was asked if he was tempted by immortality. I asked myself that question too. What he replied was really what everyone of us might have in our minds(definately mine!) I shall not disclose what he answered lest i be spoiler to those who have not watched it yet but i reckon its really the best thing that can happen to anyone to be an immortal with that given scenario.

Stardust is nice! Yes, i was wrong abt the movie initially (sry jodie). Yes i was late(sry ah pang). Yes, I will slap myself: wo bu hao..wo bei bi..wo xia liu......

Just did some tarot readings. I need a Queen of Wands or a Queen of Pentacles -.- I shudder if anyone will kena a Queen of Pain.

not here not there

2007-11-17T03:59:00.000+08:00

Here i am, jus back from a dozen places with a headache. 1st stop was.. republic foodcourt or something like that where i had a good chat with Shawn. We waited and waited for Bryan till i had my dinner at 8 plus(whats new). Come to think of it, its the 1st time i had a real chat with Shawn. Im thankful he shared his views on certain matters with me that deserves some thinking.

Balaclava was the second stop.. not that i wanna condemn the place but i cant even sit when i wanted to and talk to my frens in a volume i liked. The band wasnt kind to me today also. They sang songs that i barely know the lyrics.. i cant really have a 'sing along session' with them as a result. Angie, Audrey, YY and co. joined us shortly after but there i was crossing my arms and waiting for the next and the next song.

The 3rd stop was a wat China One. Angie had to be there to entertain some client of hers. Poor girl, i guess her empty stomach is making her feel unbearable.I felt unbearable too when i only offered a cigarette to a caucasian and his mate just kissed me on the cheek -.- I also ordered a beer but somehow ended up with a bourbon coke in my hand wtf......

Arena was the next destination....my frens all danced to da groove and had a 'woo hoo' shout.. everyone was enjoying themselves and im grateful for it. They were all into the music. Im jus not a dance person and even though i jus sat there, Angie is kind enuff to play some games with me to try cheer me up. Tks for that, really appreciate it.

Bah Kut teh was my final stop. I had insisted on Roti Prata before that but nobody listens when they are drunk. Eugene and Bryan.. enjoying their bah kuts while i slowly chew to avoid eating any of the pig's fats.

As i sat infront of my lap top now, the headache is still there. The tipsy but not 'high'... with a bad headache... is one of the worst drinking sessions aftermath to have.

131107

2007-11-14T01:08:00.000+08:00

A normal day, an average day, isnt tat what everyone craves? I never felt so 'serene' before. I look at the trees, i marvel at their colours as if its the 1st time im seeing them. I ponder when i hear the birds chirp. What are they really saying? Do they talk about 'nest prices' like others talking so feverishly abt property prices? I doubt it. I embraced saddness yesterday, i embraced nature today. 2 mins....thats all ill use each day to cry or feel sorry for myself. Nothing more, nothing less. A good way to plan your day. Allocate for urself how many minutes you wan for the different emotions you feel each day. I clocked my full 2 mins when i read abt Morrie. The rest of the day, i enjoyed it.

Where can i find a lake in sg? Where can i find a lake with ducks in it in sg? Let me know if u have the answer. Ill like to bring Bryan there. He wants to see ducks swim in a lake. Tks for the times you accompanied me in my darkest hours yet(it's still dark by the way). I did not forget the rest of you ppl who were there for me....tell me what you liked to do and ill do it with yah.

An outing with Kel bro at Rab Bar....we catch up, we sang, we drank, we played cards. I still feel a bit disappointed cos he rejected my offer of playing chinese chess there. Is it really 'off form'? He said we will be 'yi chou wan nian' if we did that. Only chinese chess lehhh, who cares what they think haha.. neh mind, ill have better luck when Eric goes there.

'就算贫病或失忆都争口气从旁保护你'...beautiful. Song writers wrote the lyrics, singers are the famous ones hmmmmm....Oh some singers do write their own lyrics, i didnt know abt it and anyhow say. Apologies!

命硬 by 侧田填词:林夕

他反对就反对
亦都跟你爱下去
犹如在大战炮火里
毫无惧色冲过去
谁狂怒谁拦路
谁话我共谁不登对
无能力与霸权比赛
还是可比他多老几岁
二百年后在一起
应该不怕旁人不服气
团圆或者晚了廿个十年
仍然未舍弃
换个时代在一起
等荆棘满途全枯死
这盼望很悠长
亦决心等到尾
等得起
先殉了情不对
未反击过已后退
宁凭着耐性与骨气
维持自尊撑过去
谁强韧谁长寿
谁便算胜利击不碎
仍然共你企在这里
捱着等身边指控死去
谁人又可控诉廿个十年
撑到尾
就算贫病或失忆
都争口气从旁保护你
顽强地等再过廿个十年
等整个世界换风气
历劫还是在一起
这种坚决无人可比
看战事多悠长
亦决心打到尾
心不死

I embraced sadness

2007-11-13T02:22:00.000+08:00

Yes, Im not ashamed to say it. I cried my heart out when i went ktv today. Sorry that i scared my besties Eric and Chervelle but i really wanted to get the feel of sadness to the max. Maybe the beer did its part, maybe the call did its part. I just decided to not escape the whole thing and have a good cry. It sure hurts and i can feel my heart 'shrinking' as i cried. I felt so weak and the pain empowering me. Yea im a man, i cried in public, i cried in the taxi on my route back, I cried downstairs at the stone chair while smoking.... who cares! I knew i hit the lowest depth. I duno how i will go to work tomolo but it doesnt matter. I have experienced the sadness; I have cried a good old 5 mins and experienced sadness to the fullest.

The imaginery bird helps. It told me:...cry as much as you like, its your life, do not be ashamed. Do not hold your tears back to your grave, cry when you are sad. Care not what others think. Its your life and not theirs. Do what you want or need to. Have no regrets.

The imaginery bird

2007-11-12T02:05:00.000+08:00

Every morning when u wake up, imagine a bird by your shoulder. Imagine it can understand u, u can understand it. Turn ur head to your shoulder and ask the bird: Is today the day? Am i ready? Am i doing all i need to do? Am i being the person i want to be? Is today the day i die? Im not going nuts from the toxic i pump my body into. But this is particularly captivating and i thought i share it out; it deserved to be.

Lets jus say.. suppose you wan to flare up on someone(ur loved ones, frens or even a stranger) Would you still want to argue if u know either you or the other party is going to die the same day? Do you wan to leave the world on a peaceful note or with hatred among other humans? This might sound like you will then be a Mr Nice Guy accomodating any injustice suffered without standing for your own rights. What i can say is...u can talk things out, with reason and if that fails, forget it. It doesnt mean i will not stand up for my wife if she gets bullied by others, it doesnt mean i dun say a thing if my mum gets a rude service from the hawker. Im sure they also do not want things to escalate to a point where it gets ugly.

Regrets we all have....I had a long chat with my cousin Ping. Kinda surprising that we seldom chat when we met considering we r of the same age group and she agrees. Maybe she is right, its hard to talk face to face even though there are no ill intentions. I was never the extrovert. Im the guy who sits there quietly while my frens are able to talk freely to ppl they barely know for a while. Maybe becos i dun have much to talk abt my life too. I told her one of the things i realy regretted in my life and it still bothers me up to today. I always have sunday gatherings at my granny's place, Ah Ma's house as it was affectionately known to us grandchildren. I wil go rain or shine every sunday to see my grandparents n relatives. There was a particular sunday i felt lethargic and tired and decided to give the gathering a miss. Then it happened. The following wednesday, my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away. I was really angry with myself back then. Why didnt i go that sunday? Why did i think there was a next sunday?

In my druken stupor

2007-11-10T03:06:00.000+08:00

In my drunken stupor, i went to Balaclava with Bryan and Shawn. I never like those sort of places where everyone goes there to see n be seen. Makes me feel fake there, saying 'Hi' to ppl i hardly know and practically shouting to let my listener hear what i wanted to say. Thankfully, the live band was the saving grace for the place. Dishing out hits like 'Dont look back in anger' realy felt nostalgic and its one of the moments i felt good singing along and shouting my heart out with the music drowing my pitiful out of tune voice.

In my drunken stupor, I blurted out stuff which i should not have said to complicate things. My apologies bro, it's just one of those nights. The future troubles i might have brought upon you, i hope i can help u clear up any mess i have created.

In my drunken stupor, i created a 'DFF'.. yea..'drink for free'.I didnt pay anything at Balaclava and i felt like a leech. Tuborgs sure taste like shit but when its free, u jus have to down it.

In my drunken stupor, i condemned a fat farc with the rest of my mates for scaring a group of ladies away from us. Not that im interested in any of them, but the way he behaved.. hes a.. well... fat farc.

In my druken stupor, i kept ordering Roti Prata kosong when the man told me there is no kosong. I would have thrown in my greasy apron if i were him.Must be kinda funny when he kept saying no kosong and me saying one kosong two egg.

Finally, in my druken stupor, i did a thing i really really regretted. As i alighted from the cab with the Tuborgs playing with my mind, i cant really walk straight and as a result, i stepped on a snail and crushed it. It woke me up and i realised i had just killed a living thing becos of my irresponsibility. I feel so bad but there is nothing i can do now.

人在做,天在看

2007-11-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

yea, maybe i do get the meaning of that finally. I do good things, i do bad things. When you do bad things, it will come back to you in one form or another. I met up with Bryan with the thought of drinking a few bottles of beer. Instead, we ended up at Borders and i even bought a book from there. From wanting to drink and ending up at Borders.. tks Bryan...that is so far off my original plan. The ironic part is we ended up drinking at our own homes alone. Nonetheless, i told him of wat i did which i knew was wrong and the feeling of letting something off my chest is really good. Instantly, i felt so relieved and light. If thats the only punishment i get for the crime, ill be glad. If there is still more to be 'paid back' i will bear it too. Fret not..that will not be the excuse for me everytime when things go wrong.I understand Bryan's idea of not always looking for an excuse when things crop up. All i hope is ill be able to learn from this episode and be more careful next time.

Saw on the news today abt this USD25k dessert. WTF...wats the owner of the restaurant thinking when he set that price and was the customer even thinking if he/she decides to pay for that? Ppl might argue.. who da hell are you to decide wat i do with my hard earned money? I worked so hard, i spend it the way i like to reward myself. No offence to those ppl or to others who lived by this thinking. But i tot you might find it even more rewarding to spend this amount of money to help ppl who are struggling to even live past a day. Anyway, i jus hope for those eating that 25k dessert, you are helping those in need monthly already. Yea, my idea of having equal wealth in this world(Marxism i tink...)is not gonna work out.Neh mind, a lot of my ideas dun work out too. Its just one of them. You dun get it your way in life everytime.

Purest of Pain-Son By Four

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender just to hear your voice
I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live without you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.
I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back...

A lesson learnt(expensive and valuable one)

2007-11-07T03:05:00.000+08:00

I jus came back from drinking in Beijing alone. Yea i have been ripped off, and there was even a situation where i refuse to pay the exorbitant bill that i went to a room surrounded by mean looking china men thugs. I thought it would only happen in movies and i really thought i was goona be beaten to a pulp. Actually, i dun mind i guess... i dun have that kind of experience before and i was also looking to find some air bags to vent all my frustrations accumulated these few months. Not sure if its a blessing in disguise or wad but a fight didnt break out and the issue was settled in the end. Dun ask me how much i paid for the bill, lets just say it was a valuable lesson learnt. Dun ask me how i got myself in this situation.. when one is troubled, there are things which you will do even if its not you.

Money can be earned back, life lessons could be learn: to warn oneself of future silly acts. I will never forget tonight. I paid for a lesson i swear will be imprinted in my brain for the rest of my life. Yea, i guess it all evens out.. i won a LCD TV in my company's DnD and this shit came along. I knew i will never be lucky in life after i met someone. Thats because i have spent my lifetime of luck away knowing her and there isnt a tinge of regret! :)

4 Degrees

2007-11-06T00:24:00.000+08:00

yea, tats the temperature im experiencing right now in Beijing but wth..i duno how to operate the room's air con and im actually sweating. I set the stupid wall control to 10 degrees but room temperature still remains at 28 degrees heck!

I didnt enjoy my trip today. 1st up, i woke up late and have to check in immediately without my ritual mcdonald's big breakfast. It also implies no chocolates for the staff im visiting in Beijing.

2nd, there is this smirk looking SIA air steward whom i cant stand. He really thought he looked real awesome but a moron he is nothing more. I duno abt industry practice but when i requested a whisky on the rocks from him, he only gave me whisky on A ROCK. I stared at the pathetic serving with that singular lonely ice cube floating and mind formulated the most vicious curse directed to that arse. Im not being biased because i hate u air steward farkers becos the next whisky on the rocks i had was done professionally by an air stewardess.

3rd.... reached the Beijing airport with presumably 3 million people there when i pull my luggage out. I cant find the people who are picking me up! Then i realised i packed their namecards into my luggage!! Have to find a seat....open my luggage in front of everyone showing wad boxers i wear and find that card. As i fumble n rumble.. my Pilot V7 pen decided its time to betray me and started smudging my hand with that dark blue ink. With my dark blue palm i went to the toilet and theres only water.. no soap.. great! I linked up with my china counterparts and gave them a blue stricken palm... nice....

Now in my hotel room, after Mr and Mrs Smith departed from the tv screen, i feel like the last human on the planet. I have my career, i have my money, i have my cigarettes, i have my beer but everything means nothing, if I ain't got you.

If I Aint Got You by Alicia Keys

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within and
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

If I ain't got you with me baby
Said nothing in this whole world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

A->B, will it revert back from B->A?

2007-11-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

People change when they grow up, people change when they step into the society to work. People change when the environment changes. For better or for worst, that is hard to debate. Being a librain, changes are one of the things i hate. Y change? I often ask. I wanted to buy something and went back to a shop that i got the stuff from but the buildings' shops have closed or relocated and in its place.. a ktv. Some frens whom i hang out great in secondary school are now like strangers to me. Either i changed in their eyes or they changed in my eyes or rather, we dun see eye to eye.

Its saddening when one changed, gone together are the feelings we have for each other. More importantly.. as i hanker for the distant chance, is the feel going to be the same again? Jodie told me: its gonna be different even if A changes to B and changes back to A again. A changed before, whats the possibility he/she wont change again? It rang n rang in my brain and as i ponder, i realised it doesnt matter if A changed or not. In my head, i just know that if its A that i wants to be my love of the lifetime or a good fren whom i can rely on, i will accept whoever he/she is. Everyone makes mistakes (i have made numerous). Hell knows when they will turn back or do they even or not; i feel that as long as the feelings are there, i wil keep ploughing away. I have planted the seeds. They might not harvest because the soil or weather or even the seeds themselves have changed but i do know that if i stop watering them, they will definately not harvest. 我会好好过,等你回头,会看到的一定是我

李玖哲:我会好好过

你的爱很像泡沫
太轻或太重都不在手中
我的爱就像天空
太放或太收你都只是风
你来过却爱上自由你出走我不问理由

我会好好过等你再爱我
总有个角落会让你想起我
我会好好过等你再爱我
向右或向左
都有我站在这里守候

你留下很多
够我面对寂寞
寂寞不重纵使爱太弱
我会好好过等你回头
会看到的一定是我

Fights with wings and shiny things,And lions, tigers, bears, Oh my ride

2007-11-03T04:19:00.000+08:00

Thats what i last heard while stil downing martell in boat quay...its 5am now.. dun ask y im still not sleeping. in fact i wanna sing ktv but too bad all are busy or tired with own stuff. Everyone misunderstand someone sometimes but no one really sits down to tink y someone misunderstands anyone. Im fine with being misunderstood as long as i know wad im doing. That being said.. i felt derogatory drinking my guts out tonight

想你想得好孤寂 by 邰正宵

从你走后细雨不停听着雨声夜夜醒到天明
眼角流出无言的泪是回忆在胸口偷哭泣

痛过想过慢慢看清
外表平静是骗你骗自己
用微笑送你还答应把祝福给你
忘了问谁收留我的心

当你为了我和他而犹豫我不该只等待你做决定
如果任性那么一次把你抱紧
也许不会失去你 OH！OH！OH！

想你想得好孤寂我想你想得好痛心
向天大声喊爱你
恨我说出口的不到爱的万分之一
到如今还能说给谁听 OH！OH！OH！

想你想得好孤寂我想你想得好痛心
向着远方喊爱你
深深爱一个人根本不该苦苦压抑
一点迟疑一生的悲凄

Jail sentences and Bo Davis

2007-11-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since i touched the newspaper. Read someting which doesnt really makes sense, and someting that raised my brows.

Article A: 3 men were found guilty of the Madrid train bombing in 2004. They were sentenced to jail ranging from 34,000 to 43,000 years -.-" Im not trying to stir trouble here but its kinda senseless to pass this kind of sentence. The sentence passed can simply be said as jailed for life. By passing a 34-43k sentence, it seems like a joke.

Article B: Abt 3 Brits making fun of an old trishaw man here. Well, obviously im not too pleased to allow 'Foreign Talent'-ed abusers into my already over populated country. But come to tink of it again, there are also nice foreign ppl ard who of cos, would not have created a stir with the untold kind deeds they might have done daily. Only atrocious acts like that will be studied under the microscopic eye of everyone. He is dumb enuff to put it up on Youtube to lead us to him anyway. Kudos to the Canadian Mr David Miller for lashing his tots out on these arses. Dun worry Mr Bo Davis, i didnt forget you. After all you were the one who posted the clip with the title 'Slowest taxi in South East Asia'. I reckon you are the 'Slowest brain in Europe' to do that and yea, like you, im sorry abt abusing you but im no bully.

a devilish moment

2007-10-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

I feel so bad today... was discussing over skype with my china colleague abt her side's email deficiency. Really pisses me off when she said that her email is unstable and that some mails she can receive and some canot. Well, she gives me the impression that since this happens, we jus have to accept it. omg... didnt she think of solving the problem rather than live with it? The more i thought abt it the more farc i became. The more farc i became, the more i raised my voice against her. After that, i regretted and realised that i might have been too harsh to her. My temper has been bad and it got worse recently. I will flare n show the whole world owe me 5 million face easily. Perhaps thats why they say: a bad person is not as scary as a good person who turned bad becos they can be much much worse when they thread over to the dark side.

I guess not only to her, i have been a farc to someone i love as well. It must have been real bad and heart breaking to hear what i said back then when i was angry and after all that happened, i can only say im sorry, truly sorry. I will learn to keep my emotions in check becos i know i can really say devastating things which i dun mean it when im angry. Its not an excuse to say bad stuff and claim that its becos im angry when the hurt has already been done.

If i can just turn back time once to rectify something, I will not turn back the time i felt embaressed when i fell into a mud pool in front of my class mates. I will not turn back the time deteriorating my health when i picked up smoking. I will not turn back the time i felt humiliated when i was the butt of jokes in poly days for my bizarre dressing. I will not turn back the time when i felt like an inconsiderate sibling when i went home smelling like a brewery and slept in the same room with my bro. I will turn back the time when i felt like i was the most foolish jerk in the world to say those hurtful things to someone.

Sorry by 苏永康

sorry... i am really sorry.
我又一次把你气哭在陌生街头
爱你...我当然爱你
自从第一眼到现在什至没人敢预测的将来
请你相信不是我不愿意改变我自已
而是一再努力又一再放弃那个软弱的自已
其实我恨透了我自已没有认输的勇气
让你受尽了不安和委屈
你是我这一生这一生最最最害怕去伤害到的人
也是我这一生这一生唯一能让我安定下来的人
虽然我并没有并没有并没有一身温纯的灵魂
但是我很愿意很愿意做那个永远照顾你的人
我的爱人请听我有颗不善言语的心
只能够看着你远处的背影

<3 warming moment

2007-10-28T00:03:00.000+08:00

Let me start with last night.. its been a while since i went singing. Believe me...it certainly helps to go n shout your lungs out to forget abt unhappy stuff. For those who are conscious of your image fret not, a certain liquid there called Tiger helps. Though the beer sux, i cant argue becos for 60sgd, i get to sing, drink and also get a sore throat; worth it. You dun get many chances for 3 men to sing BackStreetBoys I Want It That Way without anyone rolling their eyes also lols. Kelvin acted he got the groove to the beat during the song, Vun sang a song while his body 'drifted' and I sang with my mouth full of pears. A pity they dun have 'Beautiful Girls'... it would have been the ultimate clownish moment! I nearly got asthma when i sang 西界. Bro Kel, its a simple song lehhh; 1st time sing ok ... duno y second time wil be so breathless. Maybe the mic battery finishing or perhaps its my self-assurance and denial at its fullest. Funny JJ Lin can be making waves in china with his songs while his fellow singaporean is working in sg and spending money to sing his song in a room. Doesnt help my yearning for oxygen case when we try Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. Yea yea digging our graves i agree......ohhh did i mention we wack Aerosmith as well? haha

I attended my cousin's solemnisation at a hotel today. Furama riverfront or harbour front..i dun really care but when i see how Andy, my cousin's husband n my cousin(E-Ping aka Mrs Teo now) exchange their vows, i cant help but feel happy for them. They have come a long way really and its rather touching and heart warming to see the scene and make u know that in life, its probably one of the moments when u feel the happiest and where the promise to journey the rest of life with your other half will set ur mind racing with excitement. Feel happy for my aunt too when this day finally came for her. She had been having a bad time with her son's near fatal motorbike accident some time back and im just glad that all is well now. I though, had a rather embarrassing time there. One of my cousin's fren(Jasmin i tink) commented that i looked like 品冠 -.-" Maybe its my specs or maybe its her contact lenses(if any) but farc I condemn that guy...i guess he feels the same abt me too if he is reading this. Then, my aunt wanted to intro me to her and pulled me to one side. Damm malu... this type of thing still happens in an era like this!??!?! But im grateful becos i know she jus have my interests at heart la. Then as we are going home, duno how my family got started in a conversation with my cousin's group of frens and the ghost of 品冠 lookalike resurfaces. Thats when my other auntie started advertising me:say what i worked as, say what my character is like etc etc to all of them and they joined in n point to Jasmin n say, ya ya intro him to her. At that moment, i had a strong affiliation with the little boys playing under the table..i feel like joining them and im sure Jasmin dont mind as well. Kinda sorry to have drag her into this(she must have felt even more embaressed) and with due respect, im not saying she is not fit to be my fren but its kinda unnatural to know someone via this way. I wonder how ppl really feel when they kena match make last time. Went town myself after that to fix my watch at Heeren and Pacific Plaza(yes Bryan.. after 300 years i finally managed to make my specs n mend my watch) Had dinner with him at my uncle's hokkien mee stall. Geylang lor 27 or 29, i always cant remember, jus know its inside a coffee shop which is beside a mosque. Go try it if u have the time but the stall is closed every alternate wednesday.

Bon Jovi stil rox.. i really hope to attend his concert at least once this lifetime.

All About Loving You

Looking at the pages of my life
Faded, memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes

Chorus
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way

*Chorus

You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you

*Chorus

All about lovin' you

RaP BaR @ boat quay

2007-10-26T01:52:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Rap Bar @ boat quay. Quite a dead place actually and its not even as yeah compared to EC... if u guys know wad i meant. Anyway... had a rehearsal on 重来 in front of a live audience n i didnt get any rotten tomatoes.. so i reckon ill be fine tomolo. You dun really care much abt how u sing anyway when ur brain is flooded with Carlsberg. Natasha be warned.... my engine is revving up.. we will see who ends up in the netherland when we hit our glasses :) Hmm...One of my fren actually fell there! Must have hurt real bad from the bleeding.. lets hope she recovers and get back into our suan-ing session fast.

I had a chat with Sam today... tks for the words, they sound harsh but they are reality and it gave me the perspective that i might have been missing in this pursue but dun wory, i know wad im doing and ill stick to that fruiful or futile.. ill be fine. Thats all for tonight.. btw.. Bryan Chin aka sexy back.. u mus be happy i ended here eh

715, 730, 745, 800, 815 = late

2007-10-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

Yea.. thats how i woke up this morning -.- , had a bad dream last night and damm it was so real and hurting. I woke up with a foul mood and it got even worse when i board a train carriage with dripping air con water. I tot that boarding a 855am train will be less crowded but it seems many are slackers like me who bother little. I cant even read my book!!!

Jus got a text which made my day much better though :> Im just glad all is well and good although i myself is going thru a very 'popular' time at work. Everybody wants brandon.. a piece of me that is. 'Bran is this done?', 'Bran can u do that for me?', 'Bran you shud do this', 'Bran pls do that.' Cant blame them.. im supposed to do it anyway but they all jus came together. Prioritizing them doesnt help becos everybody says its urgent. Im sharpening my blades.. going to china soon to settle my disputes in accounts with the chinese. If drinking harmoniously with them fails, the knives will be out....

有多少爱能重来,多少人愿意等待,失去之后才明白... come friday, i will be going ktv and sing this song with FEEL. Until then, ill listen to it at work till decomposition takes place at my ear drums.

重来

有多少爱能重来
多少人愿意等待
失去之后才明白
走进回忆的安排
一幕一幕的对白
上演我们的未来
期待
原来是一种伤害
心爱的人已离开
是我不该忽略你
给我的爱

现在我只想回到
最初的时候
不愿再让你泪流
心疼时候只有你会陪着我
现在我只想回到最初的时候
我知道你还爱着我
亲爱的请你握紧我的手
请你看看我
新的需要的你的我
一切从头/只要你回头

Sleepless@545

2007-10-23T23:16:00.000+08:00

Cant sleep for two nights in the row now; managing less than 4 hours a day.In my term, this will result in AF ala Accumulated Fatigue; an ailment tat can get worse if its left untreated n .. accumulate. Perhaps its cos when the lights are off, the real me emerges within the the shadows, wondering how i passed my day under a happy skin, when internal turmoil beseige my temple of soul. More of the drama mama....a fren of mine is experiencing difficulties in her relationship, not the 1st time she is complaining to me over msn abt how she is loved and how she wants to be loved. As she complains to me, i realised i must have also made other complain about me. This might be the period where it is critical. Any advise that comes with a hidden motive will probably result in the problem being escalated to the point of no return. Im not saying that happens to my case... i duno anyway... but i somehow became a little more delicate when advising her. Ill just say; gal, u choose your own cup.. be it poison or honey, its your own choice.. of cos as ur fren.. if i know that cup contains poison, ill stop u but who will know the future?I aint no prophet... The past doesnt matter, the present is impt but its the future that counts.

Anyway, I chanced upon this while surfing for Diablo pics. A fascinating poem/riddle which always capitvates me with the clever use of words to create a 'dark' feel. Missed those days of hardcore demon slaying thru the night and looking more zombiefied than the actual zombies in the game... all while in Keat Hong Camp; holiday chalet for NSFs converting to civilians.

The Halls of the Blind

I can see what you see not
Vision milky then eyes rot.
When you turn they will be gone,
Whispering their hidden song.
Then you see what can not be,
Shadows move where light should be.
Out of darkness out of mind,
Cast down into the Halls of the Blind.

Hows ur throat hows ur throat hows ur throat hows ur throat.......

2007-10-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

As expected, 1st day back to work i was swarmed by so much tasks i would have been forgiven if i tot i was working in Special Task Force. The old me will blackened my face n murmur some vulgarities when doing the job. I still had vulgarities in my mind but i learnt to take it easy already. Work is nvr ending n the day ur work is finished means u can pack your stuff and get escorted out by the security guard. Anyway.. i got asked by almost all my colleagues abt my throat. Kinda touched when i learnt they do care abt me but when u get asked the same qn close to 20 times in a space of 20 mins.. maybe u wish u can have a controller like the movie 'Click'(nice movie anyway) and mute them. Sounds evil when they have my interests at heart.. yea i might go to hell but i know i wont be lonely becos ill see most of my frens there...

How many times have we wished that we can 'fast forward' the times when we are going thru a difficult time or 'rewind' when we feel regretful of something tat has happened or better still 'replay' the moments when we feel the happiest. Pls dun let any japanese see this.. they wll then start to invent some stuff like that(like they invented some useless meaningless robots to do say.. housework for them or some robotic pet dogs) No offence to the scientists but i feel someting is very wrong when you are spending money to do these research while some people are dying in some parts of the world becos they have no food. I understand the need for humans to improve but it often seems that while we become more n more advanced... we lose more n more of our 'primitive' self which is compassion. Do visit freerice.com and have a go at the advertisers.. make them bankrupt. Anyway, thank you Sam for telling me that website, i have been playing periodically after lunch till knocking off.

Wait For You by Elliott Yamin

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then I can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

I'll Be Waiting.

The return of the unfit

2007-10-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

I used to think Sundays must be the sunny sunny, birds singing on tress type of happy day. As such, i get real depressed when it rains on Sunday. Luckily it didnt rain and thus, i am able to carry out my plan to jog! I had actually decided to go jogging during my 2 weeks of mc. Its kinda surprising that when i was on my way to the reservoir park, i got a tap on my shoulder. I turn n saw my fren Jasper.. with his trademark cheeky try to act serious smile. Such coincidence but it also made me carrying my ipod along for the run redundant.

Anyway...kinda crowded at the park! i realised actually singaporeans quite health conscious.. only majority of my frens (less jasper i suppose) and myself are the unhealthy ones who indulge in liquids mortals named as spirits; which will hasten the process of us becoming immortals. We started running from the start point and within minutes we reached the end point, covering a distance of 1.2km.The old me would have been going for another round(anyway 1.2km is really short la) but the current me is so breathless that i told Jasper to continue without me.. Yea its a stigma.... i was even wearing my OCS singlet which rub salt into the little pride i have left when i see ppl run past me.. next time...i will run when its dark la...Cannot admit old liao or rather.. not as fit as before. I must train harder and get GOLD for my IPPT before my window closes next year. My bro Kel tot its was a joke when i said that last year (well.. it really turned out to be a joke..for the record i went RT) but this time, i will make sure i stick to a schedule. Im a believer that when you are fit, u tend to tire less and will be more alert. Trust me,im FIT before,i know.

Avril Lavigne(wad a rock chick) has a nice song which i came across while trying to learn to upload songs to this squeaky clean blog of mine. Nvm, dun tink i will include the song here.. it slows down loading time anyway...

When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

Okok im not wallowing in self pity here so dun give me the 'Again!!!'

X files @ bedok

2007-10-20T03:23:00.001+08:00

There is no insurance agent to wake me up today, no calls from office to wake me up but an optician woke me up today.. u know who u r la hor.. carry on like this n we will downgrade even furthur from best frens to frens, then to acquaintance la. Finally.. my short 'holiday' of 2 weeks has come to an end.. come monday its back to the squeeze in the mrt and the work... Yes, im depressed now and maybe submerging myself in work is a way of distraction but there are a lot of ways to distract oneself and i feel that using work as a method of distraction is kinda dumb or in this sense 'dun'.

I met up with Shawn, Bryan and his frens to go Arena today to finish our 'stock' there. Had japanese food again but this time.. with sake. First time drinking sake n i proceeded with no caution.. throat burn -.-

Anyway, hit on Arena for the 2nd time but didnt really stayed there long becos of the ambience i guessed.. too loud, cant really chill and chat in normal decibels. We just finished our drinks and 'sua-ed' to Zouk. Its been ages since i last went and yes, the crowd is hippier and more happening but i feel like a dinosaur there. Cant blend in there at all as i stand by one side while the rest of the guys enjoyed themselves at the dance floor. Shawn n Bryan were with me though but its not really a place to chill n chat as its too noisy and we couldnt get a decent table at all. Discos...not my cup of tea liao.

Last stop was 'ec' aka east coast Home ktv... a place where on good nights, u have to wait 2 hours to sing 2 songs(sucker) but its cosy there n the volume is just abt right. Linked up with Kel, Rudolph and Eric there(3 guys i have known for more than 10 years..) Apparently, i wasnt prepared to drink any more as i had more than enuff at Arena. Not sure how much Eric did drank but he seems happy tonight. While its not rare to see him down his drink glass after glass, it can be considered a blessing that he is still sober after all that becos he can be quite 'spectacular' sometimes when he is drunk. Actually boat quay was the last stop for them but i chose to go home wirth Rudolph... old liao.. body canot obey what the head wanted and thats where i came upon a 'x file' sighting.

I took my clothes n towel and stepped into my bathroom to shower. Hey presto... i saw three pieces of shit near the cubicle!!! Not human type but looks like droppings of either a cat or dog.No..its not funny..i was like hey wtf sia.. i dun need that at 3 plus am but now that i tink back...its kinda comical lols. I dun keep any pets and there werent any stray cats that came uninvited into the house, as such i am puzzled why the 3 pieces of shit are there. Im still thinking abt how it landed there as im typing now but no rationale answers come into the toxicated mind of mine and thats when i decided to hit the sheets. For those who are interested abt the plight of the 3 pieces of droppings, fret not, i wasnt that drunk or hungry and it has been suitably dealt with by a water hose.

There is this song from this guy of FIR called 阿沁. It kinda really says what my heart wants to bring across. Yes, im dwelling abt it again but ill be lying if i say that im fine already. Its feelings we are talking abt here, not someting which can be forgotten becos u chose to... as it really did happen. Anyway, been trying to put the song up on blog but stil in the process of learning and so, dun be a pisser and complain abt poor service, at least i provide the lyrics.

其实还爱你

我讨厌阴天的风
冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

The lyrics 每一夜闭上眼睛我看到了恶梦你微笑但是旁边的人不是我 is really happening to me almost everynight, how apt. Maybe the song writer experiences the same torment im going thru right now when hes writing this song.

Thursday

2007-10-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

Thursdays used to be my favorite day of the week, becos after thursday means friday which means weekend is coming.Dun ask me why i dun like fridays instead, maybe becos thursday comes earlier than friday.yea, im lost myself... anyway, today kinda eventful;met eric for lunch plus a movie session at Tampines watching 'Brothers' by Andy Lau. Sad to say, the movie trailers for the other movies seems much better than the show which is kinda draggy. Aliens v Predators II, some olden times fighting show by Andy Lau, Takeshi Kaneshiro and Jet Li and another called Anna & Anna (lame title..) makes me look forward to the movie industry! The show is rather predictable so i dun wan to go in any furthur.

Met up with Jodie, Ah Pang and Sam (in order) for dinner at Cuppage. For the 1st time, didnt drink when i went Cuppage haha.. kinda missed those days but anyway...we had some japanese food which is ok la but the dinner itself is a very enjoyable process. We went to 'push up the number of ppl visiting Robinsons' after that before settling down at StarBucks for some chit chatting.

Thruout the whole session, it brought me back to the past when i was going out with these group of frens. Those were the times where you only worry whether the photocopy shop is open so that u can 'zap' the tutorial answers to bring to class, or u are in a dilemma whether shud u go home when u have a 4 hr break in between. Compare to the worries now n you know that maybe the period where u can be the most irresponsible scum/biatch has passed. We talked abt new jokes(SIA ones... i like the one abt the beef medium, tks Sam lols) and OF COS old ones that we nvr seem to get tired abt... Indeed, come to think of it, i duno how i would have passed thru my poly days without these interesting n most of the time.. wacky frens of mine...i admit.. i trash talk a lot n i usually win when i talked to my frens but this particularly group of frens from poly made me speechless when i pit myself against them..they can be called the grandmasters in this cocktalking business.I learnt some new words which i nvr dreamt of their existence n in some instance...which dialect group they belong to.
i hope i remembered and explained them correctly....

Ngaooo-used to describe depress mode, sadness n maybe even grumpiness
eg i understand ur plight but can u pls dun be so ngaooo or not/u ngaooo-ed yesterday, pls stop ngaoooing today.

Leh Leh or Leh-used to describe a flirtation between living things be it male or female, can also be used to call someone(i tink...)
eg Dont leh her so obviously in front of him/she is her leh leh actually

Dun-used to describe a stupidity/dumb act or person
eg dun be dun (sounds funny... o.O)/he is such a dun...

Yea, it was fun hanging out with them and just felt bad that i have met up with them less these few years but im glad that they are all well and have not changed much. Libras hate changes.. my ex colleague told me that n i totally agree with her.. well maybe all hate changes but we Libras hate it more. Jodie is still mei yo li mao, Ah Pang still takes bus home even though she is SIA, Sam is still crazy/funny and im still awake at 346am -.-" dun think i am going runnning tomolo again...

I have been 'mending' my ipod since i accidently deleted a whole chunk of songs the other day and came across this song by Eason which i am impressed by the way the lyrics were thought of. Kudos to the song writer..

明年今日

若這一束吊燈傾瀉下來或者我已不會存在
即使你不愛亦不需要分開
若這一刻我竟嚴重癡呆跟本不需要被愛
永遠在床上發夢餘生都不會再悲哀
人總需要勇敢生存我還是重新許願
例如學會承受失戀
明年今日別要再失眠床褥都改變如果有幸會面
或在同伴新婚的盛宴惶惑地等待你出現
明年今日未見你一年誰捨得改變離開你六十年
但願能認得出你的子女臨別亦聽得到你講再見
在有生的瞬間能遇到你竟花光所有運氣
到這日才發現曾呼吸過空氣

ok i admit.. i duno how to make the song play in the background, so...find the song online urself. I especially like these phrases '人總需要勇敢生存我還是重新許願
例如學會承受失戀' and '在有生的瞬間能遇到你竟花光所有運氣
到這日才發現曾呼吸過空氣' ...damn nice....

At the threshold of an era

2007-10-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

Ok, i admit.. its an old drama..it seems like wasting valuable time.. but like what one of my fren said.. u can learn someting from anyting.. even from reading comics u learn something. i too, learnt someting from the drama even though i only watched 9 episodes so far..I too am amused by how the main character always gets away from his debtors. When they chase him for money.. he jus say 'only got 1 life, u wan u take... if not when i make it.. i will repay u all plus interest' That i know.. u cannot learn.. becos if u do that in Sg, u will jus be declared bankrupt or kenna send to Woodbridge. What striked me.. is this sentence:' i dun care abt the process..i care abt the results, tats wat matters' This comes from the main character who eventually becomes a very successful businessman(i tink so.. i duno becos i haven finish the drama)

My point is...i reckon there r two schools of thought here. 1st school will agree and say.. yes.. ultimately.. we want results, tats wat matters. Results determines whether u make it in life or not, not how hard u tired or how much effort u put in. 2nd school talks abt the process, the no care abt results but the process of doing the things type. This school focuses on the spiritual well being, improvement of the soul type. I reckon believers of this school of thought usually do not have much money in their banks. My thought only.

Not saying any school is right or wrong.....Businessmen will mostly choose school A while the monks(duno y i said monks.. they jus come into my mind lols) will choose school B. Me? Its school A. Im not lying to anyone or myself but at this age....money talks.. period. I used to believe the no money still can be happy type of theory but u realy tink the beggar by the street is happy sleeping under ur void deck? True there might be happy beggars as well as unhappy rich ppl. but give this choice to everyone: u wan be unhappy beggar or unhappy rich person.. the choice will be obvious.. dun be a troublemaker n tell me.. both are unhappy.. so it doesnt matter

Two kicks in the teeth

2007-10-17T00:55:00.000+08:00

I got woken up by a call from an insurance agent today... she got my number during some road show and has been trying to get me to buy some financial products from her but Im actually 'full' at the moment n rejected her. But a thought came to me.. if she didnt call me (which is already 11), wat time will i sleep until? do i really like to sleep so much? Sleeping is one thing tat has robbed me of my loved one in a way.... when she told me that she is afraid to wake me up...i didnt know in her heart.. i actually made her feel afraid to wake me up.. i mus have been a real hard person to get along and how 'wei qu' she must have been!y am i still not learning the lesson?!

Back in May, Jun.. i was actually thinking to myself... my life is actually stagnating.... i nid maybe a kick in the teeth to really be awaken, to kickstart it.. Ironies of irony... seems tat i got more than what i had bargained for.. instead of a kick.. i got two... one is of cos the fact that my gf left me. The other kick.. is wat i felt today when i meet up with my ex camp mates... I met Bryan, Patrick and Shawn for dinner n coffee. As we talked abt the ns times, we also talked abt our present lives n other frens around us. As our conversations grew... i realised slowly that.. hey.... im really lagging behind.... there are a lot of things which i duno, the things they talked abt; China market, opportunities, businesses.. in a nutshell... abt serious stuff.. abt careers and livelihood matters.. tats wad they talked abt and i could only listen in silence.. not becos i was not interested or that i was a frog in the well.. its just that my energy and time have been spent on other things...rather time wasting activities i would say. I was a frog out of the well but doing other stuff... How lag i was compared to them, to their thinking...They are discussing n worrying abt things which we shud worry abt at my age but these questions have nvr fly by my mind which is occupied with meaningless stuff...

I love to sleep.. dun ask me why... it has been a real bad habit which i have been trying to kick.. i can sleep and wake up at 6pm on saturdays.. which means close to half of my weekend is almost gone.. dun ask me how i did it but it happens... i can also decide to take a cab to work jus so i can catch that extra 10 mins of sleep...atrocious... i will strive to stop this nonsense.

Second, I love playing games.Computer games that is... dota, online games like KO, RO... etc etc all i play..even as i am writing this blog now.. im 'alt tabbing' to play dota @.@... funny im lamenting it and still doing it...Yes.. im one of those better in these than my frens.... but i also realised... SO WHAT is u r good in dota? SO WHAT if u have a high lvl character in an online game? SO WHAT if u score more goals than ur fren in Xbox Fifa in a friendly match? Thats reel life and it doesnt help in my real life.. tis instance... maybe my peers are reading business times.. my peers are maybe checking internet for stocks n shares or just doing more productive things.... im playing dota... -.-" Right.. this will be another thing i want to change. I will play but it will not be the essential part of my life.

I hope u do not have to get kicked in the teeth like me to wake up.. it hurts.. really hurts a lot

Losing ur pillar of strength

2007-10-16T01:29:00.000+08:00

Monday.. when most of us starts the week working.. im stil recuperating at home. Had a short talk with my ex-girlfriend.. actualy not short talk.. its only me talking, she doesnt want to talk or hear abt anything regarding our past relationship...you can say all you want, abt letting go, moving on etc etc. I do understand my family's and friends' point of view. 'Brace urself! There are many other girls!'; I often hear these.. while i appreciate they are all trying to make me feel beter.. i realised maybe they do not really know me. Or maybe they do.. but its just that I have to move on anyway when the other party has moved on and got involved in another relationship.. maybe yes, maybe no.. im still sceptical. But, i was nvr one to really let things go so easily.. especially relationships... Nonetheless...the talk with her speared my heart.. the feeling.. its really where u feel ur heart is soo soo weak upon hearing something bad. I realised then.. maybe that is how the world works... u make ppl suffer.. ppl will make u suffer.. Today is the day i realised i really have lost my pillar of strength. I have lost it even earlier but then, i do not believe the reality till now. I keep telling myself.. if u are happier that u leave, ill be glad... but.. how many of us can acutally be that noble? I have not reached that stage yet try as i might. Deep within.. there is always this hope that she will turn back and all will be like good old times.. but its turning into just a fading dream of mine. Yes, the door is always open and waiting.. tats wat i say now. The tot of her with another guy stings my heart greatly... Selfish some of u might say, preventing her from moving on some others cried out... i know...but thats the love of my life.. do i just give it up so easily? without a fight? without any effort to try rekindle the hope she has lost? If you have lost someting u have valued and cherish greatly.. do u jus switch off and forget abt it? or wil u search high n low with all ur time n effort, hoping to find it back?

Yes, too late to say all these cherish n value stuff.... the breakup would not have happen if i have really really cherished n valued her. She was angry n disilusioned with what i said to her... but i was really really mad at that time and truly do not mean what i said..sadly.. this explaination was not enuff for her... She said the things i have did/say have turned her off and closed her heart.. but its all actually trying to create an atmosphere..little do i know it created such a backslash which caused our relationship to crumble. Im not washing my dirty linen here or embaressing her. I also dunno why im writing this.. its just tat i have so much in my mind... to talk abt, to also tell her.. but i do not have any chance to do it face to face...it greatly saddens me becos she no longer even gives me a chance to salvage the relationship..

Time they say.. wil heal all wounds... i do believe that but the thing is... how long will i take to recover from this near fatal blow? With my mind still having tots of an open door and waiting for her to turn back n return to my arms, the day to recovery via the 'time medicine' is still far

'Doing something for the 1st time'

2007-10-14T23:37:00.000+08:00

Yes, the title says it all......been wanting to create a blog for ages but always procrastinate. Ironic that its actualy when Im on hospital leave that I can use the time to finally do something new. Just removed my tonsils at CGH and had my 1st hospital stay since 1980. Yes, Im thankful for the good health I have enjoyed these 27 years so far. Its definately one less thing to worry about but if you are not as lucky as me.. fret not.. a good life is not determined by how many years you lived but rather how u make of it and the impact u made of the people ard u.

Today is my 'chinese' bday or they call it lunar bday. I wonder.. with the new generation.. will they ever know abt the existence of that? I myself also duno when is my lunar bday till now. The traditions, dialects that were each a unique flavor by itself are gradually lost in the modern time. We might have slowly developed a 'its useless, chuck it aside' attitude. Remember 'chinese'? It was not taken seriously by us Chinese(becos we tink its useless?) until the rise of China. Now, everyone is taking the chinese language more seriously(becos we tink its useful)
Anyway, thats just a view. The main point is still the 'doing someting for the 1st time'

I gathered we r no diff from a program if all we did is work/do someting we r familar/sleep. I dare say most of us fall into this bracket. For me, its when u hit the comfort level that u find that its comfortable and do not want to attempt to change anyting. Yes it might seem correct to have the 'aint no broken, do not fix it' thinking. Afterall, u do not call for the plumber until ur toilet bowl is flooded right? However, u do renovate ur hse sometimes and maybe in the process.. upgrade to a nicer looking toilet bowl.

That is the point. U upgrade, u do new things, u do not stagnate. I have been stagnating.. work/drink/sleep or work/study/sleep or work/dota/sleep. Its mostly one of these 3 combi and thats where brought me to where I am now. This shall kickstart my stuttering engine and be the 'doing someting for the 1st time' thingy.... btw...when's the last time u did something thats new to you?